Monday, 08 June 2009

• The two basic stages to all relationships

  During my bouts of singledom, I'm able to observe all the self-involved couples around me - the ups, the downs, the manic "OMFG he's so perfect and hot and we're in love until two months from now when our mutually narcissistic fling ends!" summer hook ups.  While I consider myself personally oblivious to the point of potentially being a danger to myself, it's much easier to see through the BS that is dating from the outside as a conscientious observer.
  
  As a result of my tedious research and tireless hours of pointing and laughing, I've concluded that there are two basic stages to all relationships: Pre-Pussy and Post-Pussy.
  
  Pre-Pussy is the time in a relationship where the female holds most of the power.  You see, no matter how big your feminist balls are, every woman knows on some level that men want sex from her.  Therefore, you know that your sex, aka your vagina, is valuable.  Depending on the number and strength of your other attributes (education, personality, etc), you hold your vagina as a portion of your self-worth.  If you're only a pretty face, then obviously sex is your main selling point and the Pre-Pussy period is to your max advantage - you also stand the most to lose if things go awry.
  
  
  

  
  

      Right before she found out he was banging her roommate...
  

  
  
  
  Pre-Pussy, men are on their best behavior.  This is like an extended first impression.  The goal on some level, whether you want to admit it or not, is to get to touch the female's no-nos and in order to do that, good impressions have to be made and value has to be demonstrated.  From what I've read, it takes about seven hours of interaction for females to be comfortable enough to sleep with someone, if they aren't shooting for a one-night stand.  This could be an extremely long first date or stretched over a series of dates, usually taking a few weeks.
  
  Now, smart females don't blind themselves to a guy who has the potential to be an asshole Post-Pussy.  There are very distinct and obvious signs and habits that most men can't hide and may not even know that are signals to a woman that he's a waste of time or just friend material.  Then there are women who think their vaginas are magic and will somehow turn a Pre-Pussy douchebag into a Post-Pussy prince.  I mean, if a guy is in the Pre-Pussy phase and he's being a jerk, chances are he will be worse Post-Pussy and/or drop off the face of the earth.  The pussy is not a magic tonic ladies, so don't go all Madam Curie out there trying to reform men who "just need to be loved." 
  
  

  
  

    The road to hell is paved with gold.
  

  
  Depending on the level of value you place on your sex, Post-Pussy is usually the period in which men have the power.  If you know you have more to offer in addition to (fantastic, crazed animal) sex, then you don't really feel the shift as much and probably don't have as great of an attachment Post-Pussy.  Hopefully, you managed to restrain your hormones long enough to establish some sort of attraction beyond a mutual interest in trying that move you saw in a porno once and you're well on your way to a summer fling of your very own (assuming he isn't horrible in bed). 
  
  My roommate is a classic example of how blinding yourself during the Pre-Pussy phase is a fatal error for females.  She's dating a man seven years her senior - he's 35 - who has a five year old child with a woman he dated for nine years.  Never married.  For their first date he offered to meet for drinks and after fifteen minutes of her sitting at the bar after they were supposed to meet, he calls to ask where she is because he's sitting at a table ready to order dinner.  Two days later, he canceled their second date only an hour beforehand then calls her at 11pm that night and asks her if she wants to do something.  He's almost two hours late for their fourth date and offers no apology.
  
  

  
  

  
  Now, she seems to think he's super in love with her because they've gone out five times in the last week and he told her that he's never met anyone like her.  I'd believe that if they were actually going out to dinner but after their first meeting, their "dates" have been him bringing her over to his apartment to watch movies - she hasn't met his friends or co-workers and hasn't been seen in public with him since their first date ten days ago.  When she asked if she should sleep with him - which is a big indication that you shouldn't if you're asking your roommate for permission - I told her that he probably only asked to see her so much in the past week because he's trying to expedite the time investment until she feels comfortable enough to sleep with him.  Instead of one or two dates a week over a few weeks, he crammed in hours of face time during the week hoping it would pay off this weekend.  That wasn't what she wanted to hear so she headed over to his place for another "date."
  
  

  
  
  

  I'm pretty sure she slept with him earlier this weekend so now I get to wait for the Post-Pussy fallout where he falls off the radar and she just can't figure out why.  You know who will be expected to listen to the hours of weeping and self-pity?  Yeah, that's right - this sucker.
  
  So ladies, I beg you to do your due diligence before screwing that cutie with a booty.  If you're just looking to get an itch scratched, more power to you (use a rubber).  If not, value your magical vagina enough to feel a guy out so your poor friends and roommates don't have to listen to the consequences.*
  
  *We will gleefully listen to your tales of woe if he was really bad though :)
  

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