Wednesday, 03 June 2009

• How Men Deal With PMS

  
  

  
  Firstly I would like to salute every woman in existence because you put up with crap that most men (myself included) will never understand.
  
  Pregnancy, hormonal swings, male privilege, unfair wages, sexual harassment, chocolate deprivation, the inability to find good shoes at cheap prices, and the fact that you now have to go an entire summer without any new episodes of Grey's Anatomy; yes life is truly hard being a woman. And while we men can usually expect, deal with, or predict some of the above factors before they show up, there is one that always has us perplexed on what to do.
  

  
  PMS.
  
  Women like to say that they're the only ones that bear the brunt of PMS because they're actually the ones who are enduring all the physical pain, emotional anguish, not to mention a never-ending flow of the red stuff from down below and they're right, they do suffer more than men do. However since men do not understand PMS, we are constantly confused as to why the sweet demure beautiful girl that we love 21 days a month suddenly turns into an angry raging hurricane of destruction with an insatiable appetite and a sailor's mouth for a week or so. And when the change comes, we suffer the brunt of your anger.
  
  "All men suck!"
  "You don't know how this feels! Why don't you understand!? I hate you for not understanding! God, you're f*cking WORTHLESS!"
  "Feed me chocolate, dammit, and cater to my every whim or DIE!"
  
  Now my girlfriend has very mild periods with no PMS, so in that sense we're both very lucky (her in that she's spared the violent cramps and mood swings and me in that no one tries to bite off my head once every month). However not all of my fellow compatriots are so lucky and often we don't know what to do once the Crimson Wave comes crashing on to the beach. Confusion and pandemonium reign and to survive, we often implement the following solutions:
  
  Run and Hide
  
  I've done this before with ex-girlfriends who have been horribly PMS-y before and it is by far the most popular (albeit somewhat weak sauce) option amongst men. "Run and hide" means that for the duration of said woman's period, you literally run and hide. You do not call her unless she calls you, you do not go over to her place, you do not invite her out to do things, your tactic is to simply stay out of the way until the storm passes. I've known some men in relationships who treat PMS Week like a sort of "girlfriend vacation" meaning that since they can't or won't deal with their girlfriend's raging temper, they use that week to go out with their buddies, catch up on sleep, or do personal things like hobbies or reading. Of course if I was them, I would hardly let it be known to my girlfriend that while she was curled up in bed with The Cramps from Hell and gorging herself on boxes of Ghiradelli, I was outside in perfect sunshine playing golf with the boys or camped out at my buddy's place drinking beer and playing poker.
  
  This only works though if your girlfriend is an angry violent PMS type who likes to kick the crap out of you. If your girlfriend is the weepy emotional kind, using the Run and Hide method is actually detrimental and will make her more upset because she will mistake your absence for a lack of affection towards her. If your girlfriend trends more towards emotional rather than angry, there is also a method for you, which I refer to as the:
  
  Comfort Method
  
  The Comfort Method involves essentially staying on call and making sure that when your girlfriend needs you, that you're available. You keep your phone on you and turned on and while you can go out and do what you need to with the guys, if she calls you and asks her to come over and hold her while she cries on your shoulder, then you drop that poker game and get over to her place or go outside and talk to her for awhile.
  
  Yeah I know dudes, you're going to have to go out the door to catcalls of "Oops, guess it's time to put that ball and chain back on," or "Whipped!" but you can hold your head high, knowing that your girlfriend is worth the crap you get from your friends (and they probably don't mean it anyways). I have female friends who get more emotional when they're PMSing and they seriously LOVE it when their boyfriends (or any guy for that matter) come over to give them some emotional support and comfort. Remember women are inherently more social than we are and so giving them that kind of support when they feel alone, moody, and abandoned is like throwing a lifeline to a drowning man. You score serious brownie points with any girl when you do this.
  
  However I would like to caution women who might use this as an excuse to simply have their boyfriends act as servants during PMS Week, that PMS gives you the right to be understood and assisted by men. It does not give you the right to act like spoiled royalty and order your boyfriends about. Pull a Marie Antoinette act too often while on your period and your boyfriend may react by doing his best Harry Houdini impression and disappearing on you once the Red Tide comes in.
  
  Men I've hopefully given you some ideas about what to do and women, hopefully you've learned more about how we men handle things. Now I've got to run. To the Manmobile!
  

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