Monday, 11 May 2009

• 10 Steps to Getting Her To Sleep With You

  Been a while since you got some action?  Sick of bringing girls back from the bar/party/circus just to have them leave before you get a chance to make your move?  Well tonight's the night, my friend.  I promise.  These are my tried and true 10 steps GUARANTEED* to make your night memorable (or at least satisfying). 
  
  The first four are what I like to call the "prep steps" which are things you'll need to do before going out.  It's not too much work, and they'll help you pull off steps 5-10 in the long run.  The last six steps are all things you're going to need to do once you bring her back to your room.  Study up and good luck.
  
  

  1. Invest in some rope lights (but not these)
  
  
  

  
  This will without a doubt be the single greatest investment you have ever made in your entire life (except maybe the Yahoo! Sports Fantasy Baseball StatTracker).  You know how cats are really into that catnip stuff?  Well, rope lights do the exact same thing for girls.  It's amazing.  Seen those ExtenZe commercials the guys are always saying "I wouldn't have sex without it"?  Well...you get the idea.  Just make sure you get the right color, otherwise you're in big trouble, like the guy in the picture.  Definitely don't get white. 
  
  You're not buying a nite lite so you don't stub your toe on the way to the bathroom, you're trying to set the mood so don't stub your toe trying to take your pants off.  Personally I'm partial to blue but purple, red, or green would probably work just as well.  They're not super expensive either.  You can get them at Amazon for like 35 bucks.  Probably.  I didn't check so that might be a total lie.  Either way, you'll be at a severe disadvantage if you don't get them.
  
  

  2. The Playlist
  
  

     
  

  
  I know it may seem like I'm a huge proponent of the rope lights, and that's because I am.  But I'm going to be honest with you guys, rope lights aren't really 100% necessary if you're trying to get some action.  They help A LOT, but they aren't a requirement.  Unfortunately, especially if you're Amish or deaf, a good playlist is 100% necessary.  If you can't set the mood right with the lighting, and you can't do it with music, you're pretty much screwed.  Or not, since that's your ultimate goal. 
  
  Your playlist needs to be several hours long (mine is five) and should be a good assortment of soft and mellow music.  Coldplay, Death Cab for Cutie, and The Goo Goo Dolls should be your bases, with plenty of personal favorites thrown in, since you really want to make this your own.  Always make sure you have a go-to song or two in case things start going downhill and you want to set the tone right again.  Mine are Muse's "Falling Away With You" and "I Am the Highway" by Audioslave.  You may laugh at this selection now, but Zeppelin and Kanye aren't exactly going to get her swooning.
  
  

  3. No Chairs
  
  
  

  
  It may sound ridiculous, but you'll want to hide every chair in your room before you go out.  I'm totally not kidding.  This maneuver will save you a lot of trouble, and here's why.  When the girl comes back to your room, where is she going to sit?  Obviously you're going to want her on your bed, but if she's not really comfortable with you yet she'll take the easy way out and take a chair.  Once she sits in that chair you might as well say goodnight, put on your footie pajamas, and start sucking your thumb because you'll be sleeping alone. 
  
  Even I don't know how to get her from the chair to the bed, but that's just because I always keep my chairs hidden.  To take care of extra-stubborn girls you'll want to make sure your desk and your roommate's bed have all sorts of crap on them so she can't sit there either.  Also make sure the floor is disgusting.  Although if a girl would rather sit on the floor than in bed with you I don't think there's much this list can do to help you.
  
  

  4. The Roommate
  
  
  

  
  This one's obvious, but every once in a while I'll hear about people trying to enjoy the company of a lady with their roommate in the room.  Two words: get rid of them.  Most guys will be understanding and find somewhere to spend the night, just make sure you're willing to return the favor at a later date.  A roommate is like a dog.  As long as you keep him happy and well-trained, he's not going to shit on your stuff.  Offer him cash, booze, fake concert tickets, and freshman girls to keep him occupied for the evening so you can have the room to yourself for plenty of co-educational fun.
  
  

  5. Make sure she has to stay the night
  
   
  

  
  Women expect us to lie to them, so why don't we just meet their expectations and start doing it from the very beginning of the relationship?  Getting them to stay the night the first time you bring them back to your room is the perfect place to start and helps your own cause because the longer she stays, the greater your chances are of getting lucky.  This is why you need to just start lying about absolutely everything in order to get her to stick around.  The buses have stopped running, her roommate called you and said she needed the room, it's a snow storm - anything to prevent her from going back to her own place.  Now maybe you'll find a girl who actually wants to stick around and you don't need to lie to her.  If you ever bring home one of those girls, marry her.  Get on the next plane to Las Vegas, take a taxi to the Tuscany Wedding Chapel on West Flamingo and Vegas Boulevard (cab fare should be around $11.50), and marry that girl.  That will never happen again, so you'd better take advantage of it while you still can.
  
  

  6. Get her to the bed
  
  
  

  
  If you've done your homework this should be one of the easiest steps to pull off.  She's not going to stand around awkwardly all night, so the only place that should be available for her to sit is your bed.  The goal here is to avoid inviting her at all costs - she needs to make the move to sit there on her own.  This relieves yourself of the pressures of trying to coax a girl into bed with you and having to do something really awkward like patting your mattress with your hand like she's some sort of golden retriever.  You'll also want to make sure that you definitely DO NOT sit down before she does.  Let her get comfortable while you work on the next step.  You can join her when you're done.
  
  

  7. Work the mood
  
  
  
  

  This is where you get to show off all the prep work you put into the evening.  It's your moment to shine (until later hopefully), so don't screw it up.  As she's getting herself cozy in your bed, perform these steps in this exact order: (1) Rope lights on  (2) Main lights off  (3) Playlist on.  Doing these steps in any other order could ruin the mood and potentially the entire evening.  But mostly you just don't want to scare the crap out of her by turning the main lights off before you turn the rope lights on.  It's okay kid, rookie mistake.  Shake it off.  You'll get her next time...if she ever decides to speak to you again.
  
  

  8. Lie down
  
   
  

  
  Once you've set the mood right, you'll want to join her in your bed.  If she's not in your bed by this step, send her down to the bathroom and start over from step five.  It's okay, sometimes we all get a little confused.  Once you're both in the bed, you'll want to eventually change from a sitting to a lying position, which is both more intimate and more comfortable.  You won't want to do this immediately after getting into bed, but use intuition to gauge a good time to make the switch.  I like to start lying down in mid-sentence, that way it just looks like I'm getting more comfortable, whereas if you lie down while she's talking it might look like you're bored.  Lying down mid-sentence also prevents you from having to explain why you're changing and it keeps you in control of the situation, after which you'll want to keep talking just as before - as if nothing changed.  If you do this successfully, she should eventually join you (make sure you leave her enough room to do so) after a few minutes of conversation.  Once she's lying down with you, you're practically home free.  Like that lion in that movie.  No not the Lion King.  The other one.  Whatever.  I'll look it up later.
  
  

  9. Start talking
  
  
  
  

  Wait a minute, haven't we already been talking this whole time?  Yes, but this time you're lying down, and everybody knows that lying down talking and regular talking are two very different forms of communication.  Regular talking says "hey we're friends just sharing a cup of coffee and a laugh" whereas lying down talking says "our faces are inches from each other and my hand is extremely close to your crotch".  Now can you see why lying down is important?  Unfortunately, this step will probably take the longest of all the steps.  This is because girls love to talk about themselves.  Did I mention that you're not allowed to be talking about yourself this whole time?  If you have been, it's too late.  You've already lost the game.  And now I've lost the game by thinking about the game.  Thanks a lot.
  
  

  10. Stop talking
  
  
  
  

  "Are you kidding me?" you ask.  "I read the numbered  bullet points for this entire article just to find out that the last step is to stop talking?!  Are you serious?!!"  Yes, I'm very serious, and here's why.  See that picture?  See the eye contact?  See how their noses are touching?  Are they saying anything?  No - and what do you think is going to happen next?  (I'll give you a hint: two things happened after this picture was taken.  One of those things was a sunset.)  That's why not talking is important.  By this step, you should have fulfilled this girl's chatting quota for a whole month.  When you feel like you've been talking for ages and you've lost track of what time it is, keep talking for another twenty minutes and then pick a strategic spot to stop.  Then maintain illegal amounts of eye contact, let the music do its thing, and try not to sneeze all over her face.  Make your move when you feel good about it and when you get some good indicators (if she keeps wetting her lips or looking at yours, she's ready).  After that, take it however slow or fast you want to.  Just make sure you play it safe and get yourself tested for cooties the next day.  Because let's face it, girls are icky.
  

  
  Isn't this list flawless?  Have any of these tactics ever worked for you?
  
  
  *Sexual satisfaction not guaranteed.  Offer void if you're ugly or an asshole.
  
  
  

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