Wednesday, 06 May 2009

• Bea Arthur Isn't Really Dead: A Conspiracy

  
  

  
  I don't think Bea Arthur is really dead.
  
  You may think that's insensitive, but I've said for years, "What goes for Tupac, goes for Bea Arthur."
  
  And so if it's cool to think that he's running a fishing net manufacturing plant in Maui, it's cool to think she's secretly the new head of the Yakuza. I'm just saying what we're all thinking.
  
  I'm not trying to say that Bea Arthur is definitely running the Yakuza now, that'd be silly. All I'm saying is there's a pretty decent chance she is.
  
  Like 60-40.
  
  I'm also open to the possibility that she is actually a mermaid who developed the ability to walk on land and has simply decided to return to her watery home after deciding humanity to be boring, that she is busy in an underground government bunker building a time machine in order to prevent the Armenian Genocide from ever occurring and to tickle Archduke Ferdinand's feet as a baby, or, of course, aliens.
  
  But the important thing is not where she is right now. We still don't know where Elvis is (although some reports have him settling down, running a small tabernacle in East Timor, but only a crazy person would believe that). It's that she's out there, watching us, awaiting a chance for her miraculous return.
  
  Where do you think Bea Arthur is? Tupac? Elvis? Bigfoot?
  
  

  • 12:49 PM
  • 347 Views
  • 10 eProps
  • 5 Comments