Saturday, 18 April 2009

• The Top 5 Myths About Men

  
  

  It’s tough being a man.

  We have to deal with terribly difficult decisions involving the proper time to fart, which friend we should put on Craigslist or sell on eBay, and whether or not the third date is an appropriate time to tear off her blouse and start motorboating.

  To make matters worse, there are an infinite number of myths about men that are perpetuated by people who think it’s funny to exaggerate stereotypes and turn them into weekly blogs on websites about male culture.

  Fear not, for I will use the tried and true Mythbusters approach with five of the most damaging myths about men.
  

  1) Men Don’t Like Getting Directions

  Did Columbus follow directions when discovering someone else's country to take over? Did Sir Alexander Fleming follow directions to the discovery of Penicilin? Did Frodo use Mapquest to destroy the ring?    

  Men don't like to ask for them because we are natural explorers, and we know everything.  While our girlfriend would rather ask how to get to the opera from a guy who's carrying trashbags to throw in the river, we are busy navigating the best way to show up two hours late.   
  

  And the only reason we go thirty miles off course is because we want to spend more quality time talking with our ladies about Dr. Phil and listening to Dashboard Confessional.  Is that too much to ask?

  Conclusion: True
  

  2) Men Are Pigs and Only Want Sex

  Pigs make bacon.  Bacon is awesome.  Pigs have orgasms that last up to 30 minutes.  I want orgasms that last up to 30 minutes. 

  Sex makes babies. Babies have fat cheeks to squish.  They're also the best way to continue the human species.

  How is it even a myth that men are awesome, want 30 minute orgasms, and want what’s best for the survival of the human species?

  Conclusion: True
  

  3) Men Are Obsessed With Their Genitals

  The primary nervous system that dangles between our legs also doubles as life raft from boredom.  Whether scratching our own or taking pictures while our sleeping friend's eyebrows scratch them for us, balls are fun.  
  

  Playing games like NutBall, where a couple dudes sit in a circle, legs spread, and take turns throwing a ball at each other's nuts until one person isn't crying, is also a good way to build up testicular strength.
  

  Basically, this myth persecutes us for being economical and finding a free entertainment that also strengthens the scrotular immune system.

  Conclusion: True
  

  p.s. If you work for Hasbro and would like to work up patents for NutBall, please contact me.

  4) Men Aren't Emotional  
  

  Because men are engineered for efficiency, we only experience the important emotions. 
  

  We get grumpy when we're hungry, happy when we're fed, sleepy after sex, and confused about who we just had sex with.  It's basically the entire emotional spectrum. 
  

  Men also experience extreme forms of sadness, from having an Xbox break, to meeting SexyGirlyGirl18 in person and finding a walrus.

  Conclusion: False
  

  5) Men Don't Respect Women

  Men respect women so much that we embrace female mud wrestling with arms wide open and a pillow on our lap. 
  

  Men respect women so much that some men will mate with any lady who is ten beers deep under the belief that all women are beautiful in their own way. 
  

  Men respect women so much that we leave the toilet seat down after we pee on it.
  

  Conclusion: True. We over-respect them.

  Are men really pigs? What are some other myths about guys?

  
  

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