Saturday, 28 March 2009

• Teddy Roosevelt: America's Most Badass President

  
  

  
  In the competition for the title of most badass American President, one name rises far above them all, that of the 26th President: Theodore Roosevelt.
  
  Roosevelt's resume of badassery reads like James fucking Bond's. In fact, I fear for my life given the title of this post. He hated being called Teddy.
  
  What? You think he'd let a little thing like death stop him? Please, I bet he's had death in some sort of sleeper hold for years, just waiting for an excuse to come back and violently assault whoever dared to raise his ire.
  
  Let's take a look at why you should all fear him:
  
  Starting simply with the look - he's got one quality 'stache down. Now there's a 'stache Hitler wouldn't have dared cross had T.R. been around then. That's FDR's greatest flaw: No 'stache...well, that and the Polio.
  
  Speaking of Polio, notice how FDR let that disease put him in a wheelchair? T.R. would never have let that happen. In 1914, after his presidency, T.R. was stricken with malaria. He looked that malaria right in the face and said, "Fuck you." Then he spit on it and made it call him uncle. The malaria lingered for the rest of his life, but it didn't stop him from kicking ass and taking names.
  
  Let's back up a bit to before the presidency. What did T.R. do with his life?
  
  Oh yea, he was a cowboy, an explorer, New York City Police Commissioner (where he would regularly walk officers' beats late at night and early in the morning to make sure they were on duty), Assistant Secretary of the Navy, Governor of New York, and a war hero.
  
  My god.
  
  Oh, and that war hero thing was because of the Rough Riders; you know, where he just gathered some cowboy friends and ivy league chums and formed a volunteer cavalry.
  
  Now, you'd think all the hunting and safaris and policing and war would have sated his need for violence. And it would, for your ordinary man.  But T.R. is no ordinary man.
  
  

   
  

  This is his killing face
  

  
  As President, he often walked around the White House with a pistol. Of course, there was no reason for this since he was a championship boxer and had a black belt in Jujitsu.
  
  That's right, Teddy Roosevelt knew Jujistu. He picked it up after an incident during one of his many boxing matches as President, where he received a blow that detached his left retina, leaving him blind in that eye. He was also very fond of singlestick, a martial art that uses a wooden stick (or cudgel) as a weapon.

  
  He also skinny-dipped in the Potomac River, which, in addition to being rather sexy, takes balls of steel. Luckily, Teddy's balls are made of reinforced titanium, the kind of shit even The Terminator can't fuck with.
  
  

  
  

  Chester A. Arthur can lick my taint
  

  
  Here's some other crazy things that probably would have killed you:
  
  In 1903, while touring the country, a little girl tossed a badger at him. Badgers are nasty little creatures. But this didn't phase T.R. at all. He decided to keep the badger as a pet in the White House and named it Josiah.
  

  
  And, oh yea, while campaigning on the Bull Moose ticket (that's right Bull Moose) in 1912, he arrived at a campaign stop where he was to give a speech. And there was an assassination attempt on his life. I say attempt because it would be foolish to believe that any mere mortal could take down Theodore Roosevelt. Nope, he was shot in the chest and when they tried to rush him to the hospital he waved them away and decided to go on with giving the speech. Let me re-iterate that: he gave a speech after being shot, in the chest. Now think about the last time you called in sick to work.
  
  The bullet was too dangerous to take out so they decided to leave it in there for the rest of his life. It served as a warning as to what would happen to his other organs if they got out of line.
  
  Finally, in 1917, at the age of 59 and riddled with malaria, a detached retina, a bullet in his chest, and several other debilitating diseases he sought to raise a volunteer infantry division for World War I. Fortunately for the Germans, Woodrow Wilson refused.
  
  Here are some actual quotes about Roosevelt from his contemporaries after his death:
  
  Historian Henry Adams: "Roosevelt, more than any other living man ....showed the singular primitive quality that belongs to ultimate matter – the quality that mediaeval theology assigned to God – he was pure act."
  
  Vice President at the time, Thomas R. Marshall: "Death had to take him sleeping, for if Roosevelt had been awake there would have been a fight."
  
  That's it, no jokes. Those are real quotes. Now, that's badass.
  
  Would you agree Teddy Roosevelt was the most badass President ever? Which accomplishment is the most badass?  Can Chuck Norris step to that?
  

  Neil

  
  

  
  

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