Friday, 27 March 2009
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5 Foods That Will Test Your Manliness
When Bear Grylls eats rotting Zebra meat before drinking his own pee, we understand that a) it’s because he’s showing us survival and b) the dude has massive balls.
When Joe Rogan tells you to eat a Madagascar Cockroach, you do it because a) you want the money and b) your wife will divorce you if you don’t get the money.
But on this lovely planet of ours, there are people who willfully eat such items without any reward beyond satisfying their hunger.
1) Casu Marzu (Sardinia)
Sardinia must be the sister city of Narnia, because only in a fictional land would people eat this crap. Instead of enjoying fresh cheese like humans do, Sardinians let their cheese rot to the point of intense maggot infestation. A creamy texture develops from the maggots eating the cheese and then shitting it back out (Sardinians report this to be the best tasting part of the cheese). Diners have to cover the cheese with one hand or wear goggles to prevent the maggots from jumping into their eyes. When’s the last time you had to worry about your food blinding you? Never, because you’re a pussy. Furthermore, Sardinians are only grossed out by the dish when the maggots die, which is kinda like only being grossed out by "2 Girls 1 Cup" because the romance wasn’t fully developed. I’m pretty sure Sardinia is a planet in Star Wars or something, so you’ll probably never have to worry about eating this.
2) Blowfish (Japan)
If you didn’t already know, the Japanese like to kick sanity square in the balls as often as possible. In Japan, eating fugu (blowfish) is an art form in the way that Russian Roullette is just another gamble. Entirely illegal in Europe and only found in a small group of restaurants in America, blowfish, if not prepared by a specially licensed chef, can contain traces of tetrodotoxin. The blowfish liver, which can contain enough tetrodotoxin to kill you at least ten times, is one of the most coveted meals in the ninth circle known as Japan. Instead of blinding you like Casu Marzu, eating blowfish can straight up destroy your ass, paralyzing you while you're still conscious of your throat closing and your lungs deflating, and left to think about how retarded you are to get killed by a dead fish. And yet, about 300 people a year die of it because there is no cure. No cure. For your dinner. So, the next time you complain about having to cure your Taco Bell with some Ex-lax, try some blowfish, bitch.
3) Ghost Pepper (India)
Sounding like a badass anime movie, the Ghost Pepper is rated as the spiciest chili in the world by Guinness World Records. When Indian farmers are asked how the Ghost Pepper tastes, they say that "eating it is like dying," which would fool you to believe that it's not that much different than a meal at the Olive Garden. But the Scoville measurement system, which rates the spice factor of peppers, gives the Ghost Pepper a value of 1 million Scoville units. That's twice the rating of the 2nd hottest pepper and about 200 times hotter than the hottest tobasco sauce. In northeast India, the Ghost Pepper is smeared on fences as makeshift barbwire and used in smoke bombs against wild elephants. Eating the tiniest amount will make your eyes water and your nose run, while eating an entire pepper turns your asshole into a flamethrower. If you're curious what it feels like to shit lava, Ghost Pepper can provide the answer.
4) Snake/Scorpion Soup (Hong Kong/Thailand)
Chicken soup for the soul? Fuck that sissy crap. When people in Hong Kong get sick, they maul a bunch of snakes and pulverize them into soup. I'd imagine the scene looks like a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos with the colorful hippos replaced by snakes that are trying to eat your face. Scorpion soup, on the other hand, resembles a bunch of dead scorpions thrown in a used bedpan, ready to test your manliness, your stomach, and your mouth's resistance to getting stabbed as you chew. Diners who enjoy both soups report that it tastes kinda like chicken, but then again so did that Hungry Man frozen dinner I ate last night, so I have been fooled before. And while I generally consider soup to be one of the least manly foods (unless eaten through a beer helmet), I must commend the Hong Kong and Thai people for giving it a much needed injection of balls.
5) The McGangBang and Porkgasm (America)
I just threw up all over my keyboard. The McGangBang, not to be confused with a Friday night at Ronald McDonalds house, is a McChicken sandwich inside a Double Cheeseburger. The Porkgasm is bacon strips, bacon sausage, ham sausage, ham slices, smoked pork sausage and roasted pork belly surrounded by ground sausage shaped into a pig, wrapped in bacon and roasted, garnished with chili ears and tail. That's like seven times the amount of meat as a normal pork. Also, that's what she said. Both dishes prove that even though other countries can create dinners that can kill them, we can create dinners that make no goddamned sense at all.
Have you eaten any of these foods? If you haven't, what would it take for you to try any of these foods?
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Comments (80)
Yeaaa, I think my manliness loses this round. However, that snake soup looks appetizing to me for some reason.
No and the very near success of starvation.
Crazy!!! But good entry!!
In Vietnam they prepare dog meat by letting maggots from rotting rice eat at it until it's "Tender" and then they wash it off with salt. And voila! Tender dog meat. Hahahaha grosss...
Snake soup . . . mmmm. Well, honestly, I never had it, but it sounds appetizing. Open your mind a little bit and try new stuff.
With the fugu, the trick to it in Japan is they leave a little bit of the poison in so it numbs your mouth a bit when you eat it. You gain feeling back after 20 or so minutes.
That snake shit does look alright. And the cheese. Mmmm, cheese.
I would eat the blow fish. That's about it. I get chills every time I look at the picture of scorpion soup. I wonder what we eat that the Japanese think is disgusting?
lived on Sardinia fer couple years ..avoided that cheese...Sardinians other favorite pastime is truly head butting, err fer the layman, knocking heads...they take a lil run at each other with heads lowered and see who is left standing.
now balut... pickled duck egg...watches all the Philippino's sigh... umm the egg was jus ready to hatch when they pickled it..try that over beer..
well, I mean the dishes we create can potentially kill you too...think about all that saturated/trans fat. aw man. heart attack.
@Roadlesstaken@xanga - probably cause it looks like shark fin soup. and by the way you're completely nuts =P
I laughed so hard at your snarky little comments!!! "That's like seven times the amount of meat as a normal pork. Also, that's what she said."
ewww
the "gangbang" looks tasty....
Gross.
@TheLoveMuse@xanga - ah maybe that's why..and how am I nuts??
Fresh durian should at least be an honorable mention.
OMG
@FOXHOUND_HQ@xanga - Agreed. Being a native from the Philippines, all I can really say is to not let it's smell fool you. It's really good.
those sure are manly. i wouldnt try any of those. the blowfish is interesting though. and the spicy one is next interesting. that flamethrower part sounds unpleasant...lol. i doesnt help that i just ate and feel like throwing up or something looking at this. but ill be aright. anyway i liked this post. good job
I think I'm gonna go throw up now...
The pepper isn't really gross, its heat is just ridiculous.
But the other stuff makes me want to not ever eat again. And I can't imagine someone putting that last huge loaf of pork in their mouth... ugh.
@periwinkleblue_ny@xanga - It's an acquired taste. For Americans, Durian is VERY unpleasant.
I'm part-Filipino, part-White, by the way.
@FOXHOUND_HQ@xanga - I love, love durian, but you're definitely right about it being an acquired taste. I brought some durian-flavoured snacks to class while I was in high school once and someone thought a gas pipe had leaked. My teacher at the time forbade me from ever bringing that snack to class again.
On a different note, this is by far one of the best articles I've read on Mancouch. Never in a million years would I touch those "foods" though. I'll pass.
@FOXHOUND_HQ@xanga - That's great! Have you ever been to the Philippines??
i have eaten both snake and scorpion
both delicious :)
i admit my manliness would fail me for the first dish.
however, some of the foods on my list that i've been wanting to try ever since i discovered them happen to be # 2, 3, and 4. Those foods seem normal to me. Is it 'cuz I'm Chinese or something?
This is disgusting. Totally lost my appetite. Which rarely happens.
forgot to add, I thought this post was going to contain like.. a 100x100 at In and Out
@FOXHOUND_HQ@xanga - Durian?! OMG, i absolutely LOVE it. My brothers tell me it reaks, but... I don't smell anything. It actually smells sweet to me....