No, I'm not referring to
this tip, although it may come up during the course of the enlightening advice I am about to bestow.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that, in sex, the majority of us stick to a small handful of positions.
In reality there are dozens, if not hundreds, which often prove to be just slight variations on the pre-existing positions we already use.
Trying new sexual positions can be a lot of fun, but it takes a certain comfort with your own and your partner's body and a confidence and willingness to try new things. If you didn't already know, it can also take a lot of patience.
As a kind and generous person willing to share my knowledge, I am going to tell you the one simple (okay, maybe not
that simple) tidbit that will really spice up your sex life. You might have no job, no direction, and live with your parents, but this one secret is so powerful no woman will ever be able to leave you if you can master it.
This won't require a conversion to
vampirism (no matter
how hot your girlfriend might be for Edward Cullen) or otherwise mastering mind control abilities, but it does reference another monster from the annals of the undead:
the mummy.
The secret, in short, is the brand new sexual position: mummystyle (©me). I stumbled upon mummystyle in much the same manner people tend to stumble on mummies, by accident. My junior year of college I would routinely pass out from a long night of drinking, fully clothed, feet up on my desk (my room was that small), arms across my chest in an "x," just like a mummy (see above). It started to dawn on me (which never would have happened if this were about vampires) that if I was passing out in this manner it must be comforting and relaxing, a perfect platform for patient and stimulating sex building to a crescendo.
Mummies are old and used to operating at a slow pace and they're always wrapped up, so as an added bonus you're practicing safe sex. And if movies have taught me anything it's that mummies are inescapabale, no matter how slow they appear to be moving. This will take a long time, and your partner might be a little bit scared at times, but when they accept the inevitable, their whole life will flash before their eyes in a brilliant and passionate moment.
But wait, you're saying, you haven't told me the secret! Lie there, arms crossed, eyes rolled back, groaning occasionally. Though your motions are slow, they should be authoritative and call for each hip to be raised separately and in an alternating motion, imitating the lumbering walk of a mummy. This ensures proper overall stimulation as you won't neglect any of those hard to reach places.
Once you have mastered mummystyle lying down, you will be ready for missionary mummy. Unfortunately your arms will still have to be crossed and you'll need to learn to levitate in order not to repeatedly headbutt your partner. It's worth it though, but that advice I charge for.
Do you have a favorite sexual position? Will you be trying mummystyle?
Jeremy
Comments (57)
The eyes and groaning are required? lol
haha sorry, not trying :P
As a female...i've gotta say, this just sounds ridiculous... especially the eyes.
Do I get to wrap the guy up in toilet paper too? Yay for mummy style!
Also a great tip: foreplay and oral sex. It's too simple that its often overlooked.
"you'll need to learn to levitate in order not to repeatedly headbutt your partner"
LMAO
I'm still trying to understand how that ever constituted as a comfortable way to fall asleep!
Sexy.. not. LOL! I am not going to try this.
Hahaha you're so funny!!
kinda likes a lil rodeo...
i'm gonna bust an ankh, mummystyle.
thanks, jebsolomon!
hahah this is hilarious! levitate...niice
You're joking right?
HAHAHA Funny.....oh wait, you're serious.
anything non-sexually related that could still keep her faithful?
LOL awesome.
right on! ...
One sex tip to keep her faithful was the question. I have been married 53 years to the same woman. My tip is to never cheat one her--ever. Cheating is a deal breaker and can end your marriage. In my non-humble opinion, sex positions have nothing at all to do with faithfulness in marriage.
LOL..that juss sounds funny..LOL
"hey hun..lets do the mummy position!" LOL
Hahahahaha, hilarious!
Definitely NOT trying that one at home...
@wynnw@xanga - LOL I have to agree with her. Foreplay is soo overlooked. If I get to wrap the guy up in toilet paper then ....mummy style FTW!
That sounds whack. haha
Not funny at all! The guy I hooked up with last weekend must have read this because he was so unresponsive, I thought he was dead.
But now I understand...he was just doing it mummystyle.
bahahahaha thats hilarious, not in a mocking you way though...
why not try it? new sex positions are always fun... even if they end up being shit.. if your comfortable enough with your partner to suggest something like this you aer going to be comfortable enough to say it isnt working.... might try it one day, just to see what its like.. minus the eye thing.. and the groaning, im quite content with the amount of groaning that takes place already, and im sure it wont effect the way it feels bahaha
funny blog though hahha
HAHA! As for keeping a woman faithful. . .I think it is really about finding a faithful woman, not keeping her that way. It's an adjective that describes her personality and values, not so much a verb that you might find on her "to do" list.