Tuesday, 24 March 2009

• The Top 5 First Date Locations

  
  
  

  
  Your sister’s friend is over and you decide that tonight is the night. 

  After they talk about celebrities, get their celebrity news on E!, gossip over celebrity magazines, and watch the new Grey’s Anatomy and argue whether McDreamy or McSteamy is more hung, your sister finally leaves the room to get some ice cream.

  You, having just got out of the shower, walk over to your sister's friend, drop your towel, look down and ask:

  “So, what are we going to do about this?”
  

  Her speechlessness gives you the opportunity to follow up with a perfect first date offer from one of the following:

  1)      Visiting Grandma
  

  

  Just because there are negative connotations about being a “momma’s boy,” doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with Grandma telling your date to “eat your carrots, hussy” on the first date.  Notorious for their excellent cuisine and sensual aromas, elderly homes present the ideal situation to learn more about your date and even more about Grandma’s gas problems.  When the topic turns to Grandpa’s sexual appetite after returning home from the war, you know your date will be in heat momentarily.      

  2)      Victoria’s Secret
  

  

  Girls just wanna’ have fun, and nothing is more fun to them than a trip to Victoria’s Secret to watch other girls try on lingerie.  If your date has the idea to try some on herself, remind her that it would be fair if she paid for it since you paid for the gas to get to Grandma’s.  While sitting stealthily in the dressing rooms, be sure to comment on other women and what they’re trying on so that your date knows what you like and what you think she should buy for the steamy night ahead of her. 
  

  3)      The Taxidermy Shop

  
  

  Whether it’s dancing penguins or hamsters on pianos (eating popcorn), ladies love animals.  When your date mentions her dog that recently passed, tell her that you have a surprise for her at the taxidermist.  If your date is unsure what to say when she sees Mr. Snuggles with his vacant stare, remind her that he’s dead and can’t shit on the kitchen floor anymore.  If she doesn’t love it, or, dare I say, is weirded out, you can use him as a sweet hood ornament on your truck.  It’s really a win-win for everyone, especially Mr. Snuggles.   
  

  4)      White Castle
  

  

  Women are often worried about seeming too needy if they order something expensive on the menu.  Couple this with the universal rule that any dinner over three dollars requires her to put out, and you have yourself a winner with White Castle.  If you have nothing to talk about while dining on the highest quality burgers this side of Brooklyn, bring up that crazy time that you came there with your friends, Harold and Kumar.  West Coasters can utilize Del Taco, while everyone else can use Sonic, wherever the hell those are.
  

  5)      Sperm Bank
  

  

  Combining your love for your p*nis with her love for spontaneity, the sperm bank is such an obvious choice that many men overlook it.  The ladies like to know that there will be kids in the future, so when the nurse gives you the small sample cup to fill, pull out your 24 oz. beer mug and tell her you’ll be back in an hour.  Less clichéd than playing sports in front of her, going to the sperm bank allows you to show off your real athletic performance, along with providing clues as to why your bed comforter looks like a marshmallow exploded on it.

  What's your best first date idea?

    Justin

  
  

  • 9:30 PM
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