Sunday, 22 March 2009

• The 5 Biggest Dudes of the Animal Kingdom

  Once upon a time, there was a dude named Noah.  He built a massive boat, invited a bunch of animals over, and trapped them inside the smelliest voyage known to man.

  One day at sea, he woke up to a donkey teabagging him and a squirrel scribing the image on papyrus, probably because squirrels are lame and can’t use digital cameras. 

  It was then and there, on that very day, that the first dudes of the animal kingdom were born.
  

  
  

  1)      Lion – I started out with the biggest animal dude because he reviewed the checklist for dudery and decided to ante up in every area.  To make up for Disney emasculating him, the male lion orders the females to hunt while he stays home to play Xbox. 
  

  When that becomes boring, he does some MILF hunting, killing any cubs that don’t like him messing with their mom twenty to forty times a day.  When the wife gets home from hunting, he tells her to make dinner while he naps off his hard day. 

   

  2)      Hippo – Fat, smelly, and probably still playing Everquest, the male hippo is never the first choice when a female wants to hump something.  To save himself from a blue ball explosion, the male hippo does the most logical form of mating ritual; he shits and pisses himself.  As the ladies watch from afar, he spins his tail, rocketing shit-missiles everywhere. Not much different than a human male at a bar, he just wants to get the ladies shit-faced.    

  
  

  3)      Snakes – Aside from obviously looking like a squiggly p*nis, the snake is one of the world’s oldest assholes.  A long time ago, he caused a big hullabaloo for Adam and probably screwed Eve afterward out of spite.  Today, in the aftermath of a snake bite, these pricks slither their way behind a bush to watch one man pee on another man’s leg just to have a good story to tell at the party that night.      

      

  4)      Blue Whale – One of the biggest bastards on the planet, the blue whale shoots out 400 gallons of sperm every time he watches some sea-pr0n.  To put that in perspective, that’s the equivalent of a liquefied planet of sploog to the power of atomic seminal blitzkrieg.  When interviewed about why he lets out so much, the blue whale simply replied “skeet skeet, bitches,” and then sperm-glued the interviewer to a coral reef.   

   

  5)      Rat – The sex-starved guidos of nature, these dudes wake up each day and ponder whose v*gina they’re going to wear as a helmet.  Having no standards and no pickup lines, male rats have been known to mate with females until their jackhammer tires her to death.  Even then, they keep pounding away.  Conversely, the Antechinus Stuartii species of rat will bone until he dies, fulfilling his dignified destiny of animal dudery. 
  

  Are you as much of a dude as these animals?   

    Justin

  
  

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