Saturday, 21 March 2009

• The 5 Types of Bowel Movements

  
  

  
  

  
  I spend a lot of time in the bathroom, and it isn't because I'm vain and concerned with my appearance.
  
  No,  it's that most natural of callings that brings me there, the bowel movement, or BM for short, the #2, the deuce, or whatever your preference is for referring to the action in question.
  
  Whether I'm in a hurry or leisurely reading a book or checking emails, not all dumps are created equal.  So allow me to share with you, the five varied pit stops of mine from the past two days:
  
  1. The Whiskey Shits:   Friday night I was on a bit of a bender, as I frequently am on Friday nights.  My drink of choice tends to be whiskey because I find it a) delicious and b) not that filling.  Plus, it usually gives me the kind of drunk I'm in the mood for, no offense to vodka, tequila and all my other alcohol friends.  The one kicker with whiskey that I actually thought I'd grown immune to is the morning-after diarrhea.  Not so immune it appears.  Two watery dumps, a six mile run, and a third dump later I was set for the day though...until...
  
  2.  The Mild Constipation Aka No-Poop Poop:  Okay, so it isn't really constipation because you aren't sitting there bursting blood vessels in your brain from the strain.  Instead, your body is so depleted after its whiskey escapades that it couldn't dream of letting anything else exit rectally.  You eat food, you get full, but you know you are a long way from your next BM.
  
  3.  The Big Bertha:  For all that I'd pooed my brains out Saturday morning, the nature of diarrhea is that it is none too solid.  Around all that liquid, something solid certainly lurks.  In fact, there's a good chance that only whiskey was coming out then.  The diarrhea has limited my food intake, but by dinner, half a pizza and some ice cream cake sounds like a great idea.  By 11:30pm or so, your face gets a bit too hot, you've sort of got the chills, and it's time to take a seat.  This is over so quick, but the deposit so large you are left wondering where it really came from.
  
  4.  The Fake Hunger-Panger:  Okay, I don't know if anyone else really gets these.  Sometimes I wake up and I've got what I think is a terrible hunger, those sharp pains in the stomach.  But I really don't want to get out of bed and, after maybe a half hour's wait, I realize I'm not hungry at all and, on the contrary, I have the intense urge to drop a deuce.  At this point, I feel great and head out for a jolly 13.5 mile run.
  
  5.  The No Wipe:  After all of the trials and tribulations and mixed signals my poo had been sending me, I closed out this four-day period with the pinnacle of healthy bowels, the no-wipe dump.  Maybe it was the dehydration and cleansing of the 13.5 miles, maybe it was three recovery bagels...hell, could have been a lot of things.  Whatever the cause, I know to cherish these rare moments of excretory perfection, and I suggest you do the same.
  
  Have you experienced some of these bowel movements? Do you have any more to add to the list?
  
  Jeremy
  
  

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