Wednesday, 18 March 2009

• The Man's Survival Guide: How To Survive Your Birthday

    
  

  
  The situation: It's your birthday. Chances are, your friends are looking to get you wasted. 
  
  It's a strange, sadistic ritual to take the birthday boy out on the town with the sole purpose to make him regret ever knowing you. They pour drink after drink, shot after shot, in hopes that you'll be praying to the porcelain goddess by the end of the night. 
  
  This is a little tutorial to help throw the odds more in your favor.  If you're going to get smashed, you're going to take as many people down with you as you can.
  
  -Pre-drink ritual:  If you're going to survive the whole night, you need to be prepared for the coming onslaught.  There are certain steps you can take to prepare your stomach for the vile abuse you're about to put it through.
  

  
  -Eat a hearty meal: You need something in your stomach that will soak up a lot of the crap that's about to be flowing down your throat. I'd recommend a soup. It's easy on the stomach and filling.
  
  More importantly, should you have to blow chunks later on in the evening, soup flows out much easier than say, a steak?  Yeah, not fun.
  
  VERY IMPORTANT: No spicy food! I had the not so bright idea of eating a very spicy dish one night before going out.  At the end of the night, that meal greeted me again, but this time it came out of my nose.  Do you know what hot sauce and stomach acid feels like coming out of your nose?  Trust me, it's not fun.    
  
  -Take Zantac/Pepcid/Prilosec. Take either one of these pills around 30 minutes prior to chugging.  If you happen to have problems with acid reflux or turn bright red when drinking, this will help lessen the effect.  Some even claim that it helps with the hangover the next morning. 
  
  Personally, I do not take these, but people I know swear by it, so that's why I've included it in the tutorial.
  
  -Drink milk. It's an old clubbing trick I learned from the pros. Yes, I'm Asian, but I've been fortunate enough to be able to digest milk without having Niagara Falls rip out of my ass.
  
  If you're able to digest it, I'd suggest you drink milk right before the onslaught. It coats your stomach and really just makes it feel much more comfortable throughout the night.
  
  

  So now you're at the club:  Everyone has gathered at the specified location for you! Yay for you, birthday boy! Wait, what's this? You sense an evil presence? No, it's just your friends looking forward to making sure you don't remember anything that happens from this point forward.
  
  Well, you've come prepared, so let's give them hell.
  
  

  -Start off slow. If you're just getting there, you might be anxious to get the party started and start pounding-- don't do that. That's a big "no no", the night is still young, and since the majority of people are still sober they aren't going to make you drink that much.
  
  Take this time to slowly sip on a drink... let everyone else get drunk first.
  
  -Know your strengths. Some people drink whiskey like it's water, and others pour beer down their throats like an endless waterfall. You have to know which one you can drink the most of without getting jacked.
  
  In this situation, drinks are going to coming from all angles. John will want to buy you a shot, while Sammy will have a beer in hand for you. The trick here is to keep the booze you can drink the most of in your hand, even both hands. This way, if someone offers you a drink you can say, "hey man, I'm double fisted here, next time buddy."
  
  No feelings hurt and you're the man for having two drinks.
  
  -Don't get isolated at the bar. There will be times that people will want to physically take you to the bar so you can pick out a drink of your choice. While this may sound like a good idea, it's not. What usually ends up happening is the drink buyer will mention to the bartender that it's your birthday.
  
  When that happens, you're screwed. The bartender will either 1) pour you a shot the size of a coffee mug, or 2) make some effed up concoction that you've never even heard of.
  
  True story- My friend took me to the bar on my birthday, I ordered a shot of Patron and the bartender gave me a  GORILLA FART. What the fuck is a Gorilla Fart you might ask? Well, its 50/50 blend of Bacardi 151 and Wild Turkey Bourbon. THE WORST DRINK EVAAAR!
  
  Another reason to avoid the bar is because, once you're there, your friends can surround you and you'll be stuck there taking heinous shots all night... with all of them. Needless to say, stay the hell away from the bar.
  
  -Stick to the girls. As "The Man Laws" go, the most well known and respected would be Man Law #1: Thou Shalt Not Blocketh Thy Cocketh. So if you have any game, even if you don't, just try and talk to girls. Your boys will see that you're trying to spit game and leave you alone.
  
  Use this time away from the guys to rest your bloating stomach and let them get drunk on their own. Shit, if the girls are receptive, grab a number while you're at it. If you succeed, you're a better man than I.
  
  

  You're getting tipsy. It's inevitable, you're drinking; at some point you will be buzzed. The good thing is that you're friends will be as well.
  
  

  -Exaggerate the buzz. When the next person comes and offers you a drink, talk with a slur, and focus on different objects in the room. Your friends will get the idea that you are twisted and might start easing up on you. You should also mention how you had like 15 shots at the bar earlier with "Whatshisface."
  
  -CHEERS. If the random homie drops a drink into your hand, take it and sip on it. Every time someone raises their glass for a "CHEERS," you raise yours and take a sip. The fact that they think you're drunk will also allow for the possibility of a "party foul." You can accidentally spill some (not all) of your drink here and there.
  
  -Take a piss. If you're really getting hammered, try and get to the nearest bathroom. Spend some time in there and sober up as much as possible. I like to wash my face with cold water, it really helps me come back and focus.
  
  You should be drinking plenty of water, so I'm going to assume that you'll be in the bathroom very often.
  
  

  You have to blow chunks. Well, shit, it happens to the best of us. Hopefully, you've taken my advice on avoiding the spicy food, cause if you didn't you're going to be hating life.
  
  

  -Throw up like a ninja. So, this means using the bathroom is a no go. I like to leave the club/bar whatever and find a dark corner on my own. It saves embarrassment and I also don't want my friends to think that they "got" me. If you must use the restroom, then just try and be discrete.
  
  Once your friends find out you're spewing, it's only a matter of time before they pull out the cellphones and start taking pictures of your ass. At that point, you're marked for life.
  
  -Throw up early. I think the biggest mistake people make is that they hold in the puke. Think about it: vomiting is a (mostly) involuntary action. You're body is trying to get rid of the junk in your body. Well, get rid of it!
  
  If I ever start feeling the need to re-taste dinner, I do it right away. Yacking will immediately sober you up; and to your friends' surprise, you're ready for round 2.
  
  

  Hopefully by this point, after all the dodging and trickery, you're the soberest one there.
  
  

  -Become the life of the party. Last call is just around the corner, so you don't need to be worried about your friends anymore. It's time to really shine. Pour drinks for people, make others around you take shots and drink with you. You want everyone to notice what kind of a party animal you really are. 
  
  -Start talking shit. If you've done everything right, John and Sammy are smashed. Put drinks into each of their hands and make them take shots. If they don't, call them "punk bitches" and remind them how you were double fisted all night and that you're still going strong.
  
  Throw in a, "your mom can drink more than you" for good measure.
  
  

  -Get home safe. No matter what you think, you're not sober. Call a cab and get your ass home safe.
  
  I don't normally employ these methods, but I know from first-hand experience that it can be useful. These little tricks work best when the inevitable binge drinking session presents itself.
  
  Don't you think they'll come in handy? What are some of your tactics?
  

  
  

  
  

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