Wednesday, 18 March 2009
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The Guido Invasion
The Future:
The year is 2055.
Man has won the war against the machines, decimated the zombie population, and enacted hippie genocide for good measure.
The war in Iraq is almost over. The Simpsons is still on TV.
Although we’ve had decades to recover from the stupidity of 2012 Apocalypse hysteria, a new threat of dumbasses is just around the corner. No one sees it coming.
A man brings his family to a shopping mall somewhere in Idaho to buy whatever people buy in Idaho. Probably potatoes or something.
As the family crosses the Food Court and leaves behind the smell of fresh burgers and fries, they are swallowed by a cloud of cologne. Little Timmy runs into an Armani Express, the very source of the cologne cloud. The doors close behind him.
“I’ll be grinding on bitches all night,” says a voice from within the store.
"Yo, this shirt is stylin’, bitches be all up on me,” says another.
“Jessica, cover your ears,” says the father. He huddles around his wife and daughter, looking into the cloud, but seeing nothing. “Where’s my son?” he screams, banging on the doors.
“Chill out, pops, Timmy’s got potential. Yo, Jessica, what up baby?” says a voice.
“What is this place?” pleads the father. “All we wanted was some potatoes!”
“Potato deez nuts!” says a voice.
Suddenly the doors of the store burst open and white light floods out from within the store. Little Timmy walks out wearing a pink collared shirt and faded jeans, his hair is spiked and he has a blunt in his mouth.
“But, he’s only six years old!” pleads the father, turning around to find that his wife and daughter are half-naked and singing Journey songs with a mob of guidos.
The Virus:
Guido – no longer centric to Italians, this new phenomenon of dipshits, often from New York or New Jersey, wear shirts that are too tight and unbuttoned five buttons too low to show off the chest that he spent hours and hours at the gym obtaining. He spends more time on his hair than his girlfriend, and continues to "hit the clubs" long into his mid to late 30's. He is often attracted to the female version of himself; the Guidette.
The Means of Prevention:
Despite originating in the Tri-State area, guido migrations have brought the infection as far west as Arizona, where one has been spotted trying to hook up with a cactus. Autopsy reports confirm that he succeeded.
In order to save humanity from this kind of retarded future, we must act swiftly.
The first logical means of resistance is to stop guido breeding at the source.
We’ve all seen Starship Troopers, so we know how these things work:
-There is a Brain Guido.
-Yes, you read correctly, a Brain Guido.
-He’s the one that knows how to read.
If you’re in a bookstore and you see gelled spikes coming from the top of a magazine rack, do not be alarmed; guidos are entirely illiterate and can only understand pictures (if there are boobs in them). The easiest way to counter this common guido would be to use knowledge or creativity. Reciting Shakespeare is usually the most effective repellent, though Dr. Suess works equally well.
However, if you’re in a generic college business class and you spot one holding a textbook, and there’s no pr0n between the pages, you may have encountered the Brain Guido. Immediately introduce yourself to him and mention your very hot, very single female friend, without mentioning her herpes.
The second means of prevention would be to nuke Plum Island. Long thought to be the birthplace of bioterror viruses, Plum Island is actually the world’s first guido farm. Mad scientists there culture Petri dishes of Axe body spray, Chanel earrings, growth hormones, and a total absence of learning in order to further guido evolution. When the specimen has grown enough to say “I’m from Lawng Ayeland, brah, you got any weed?” he is then released upon a world where he will work at H&M and quote Scarface until he dies from a coke overdose at nine in the morning.
A third form of resistance would be to avoid the females who breed with the guido species. Commonly known as a guidette, these are easily recognizable by their Easy-Mac complexion, a BMW from daddy, designer clothes from mommy, and an outspoken contempt for work from both parents.
When the guidette meets the guido for the first time, they engage in a mating ritual that is unlike anything else in nature. The following is footage of that ritual.
Both camera-men became dumbasses by sheer proximity to the event.
The Present:The year is 2009.
Man has won the war against economic prosperity, made enough movies about zombies to move on and ruin vampires as well, and given hippies free reign to make everything "green."
The war in Iraq is almost over. The Simpsons is still on TV.
Although we've had a decade to recover from the stupidity of Y2K hysteria, a new threat of dumbasses is ordering Jager Bombs on their first night at the club.
And no one sees it coming but you.
Have you ever encountered the guido species? What was your experience like? Tell us about it.
Justin
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About the Author
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- From: goldenj2384
- Name: justin
- About Me: I'm a writer, I'm a guitarist, I'm a boyfriend, a brother, and a son. That order changes daily. I play guitar and write lyrics for Escape the Skyline and now I'm a writer for Mancouch.
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Comments (94)
hahahaha those pictures were fucking hilarious
This whole post made me shudder. >_<*
Holy crap. I'm going to kill myself now.
ahh, the majority of my hometown... =(
Living in New Jersey, the Guid's are all too common. Seriously, you'd think there was a sign outside of some bars that said "Guido night" by the sheer volume of the population inside. If you stay inside for longer then 5 minutes, you suddenly get this overwhelming urge to spike your hair and paint your skin orange with bronzer. It's scary, I got out just in time!
that video killed some of my brain cells=[[
this was Awesome=D
haha. They're all over miami. But I heard its a lot worse in New York. lol
Down here we got, what we call, Chongas.
LOL! If I had read this three yrs ago I would have no idea what this post was about but since moving to NY I definitely find this post hilarious! =P
And yet another reason why America is doomed. *sigh*
Not too many Guidos in the Bay Area, as far as I've seen....
Oh God guido overload! *Head explodes*
being from NJ, I can say that, although rare, there are some pockets of intelligent resistance that don't subscribe to the whole guido concept, and are in fact repulsed by it as much as you are. coming from one of the more affluent areas, I saw this phenomenon just as they were beginning to rear their collective ugly heads while I was in high school. unfortunately, since my town is of the original (read Italian) guido type, there was nothing I could do about it. on behalf of the intelligent members of the tri-state area, I apologize to all the other states upon which this infection has spread. RIP cactus.
I'm still unsure about the definition of what "Guido" means. I thought it was a derogatory term for Italians or people from New York or New Jersey. But clearly......
Would Victoria Gotti's sons be a good example of a "Guido?"
KILL IT WITH FIRE
I've seen some blown out hair in LA, usually Mexicans.
i really hate dudes whom look like that.
lmao...only in America would this be a phenomena
Haha, the "mating ritual" made me lol. XD
Can you imagine if that was an actual ritual?
this was seriously one of my favorite posts ever.
0.O...2055..you are now entering the Gudio Twilight Zone..Where nothing makes sense..
I am going to go kill myself.
..at least there will be good weed
@no3y101@xanga - i am honored
i hope it was enlightening.
fuck. as if the douchebag epidemic isn't bad enough.
Guidos don't exist out here on the West Coast. They are replaced by their distant cousins, the "bros." Trade the popped polos for a Famous Stars and Straps t-shirt and Dickies shorts, add sunglasses (maybe a mustache or goatee), a Volcom cap, a bunch of tribal tattoos on the legs and arms, and put them next to a lifted Ford F150 blasting hardcore rock and there you have it.
Note: "Bros" are not interchangable with "frat bros" or "fratters." In fact the two groups likely view the other as either "popped polo fags" or "toolbags."
@goldenj2384 - it was. i hate those guidos with a fiery passion. thank you for addressing this huge problem among the east coast. someone needs to get awareness out there.