Monday, 16 March 2009

• The Cast Of Street Fighter IV Movie, Yeah Movie!

   
  

  You were probably too busy playing the far more imperative Street Fighter 4, but there’s also a new Street Fighter movie out now. Don’t worry, you made the right decision on this one.
  

  But maybe that means you’re now thinking “why hasn’t there been a good Street Fighter movie made yet?” to which we would logically answer “because that would be impossible.”

  You can thank us later, Capcom. Read on to peep our star-studded casting job:
  

  

  What does it take to star in a Street Fighter movie? Well, for starters, some basic fucking semblance of understanding of video games. Or maybe, possibly, an understanding of the Street Fighter franchise. Jack Black is an avid gamer who potentially sports both these qualities. Plus he’s fat, hairy and occasionally angry. 

  

  C. Viper is the type of woman you’d want to bring home to your mom…if your mom was the head of a shadowy terrorist group with plans for world domination and a sweet yet evil logo. Eva Mendez is the type of woman your mom would walk in on you wanking to pictures of. Yeah, she’s absurdly hot - we know. Staring too long into her dark eyes resulted in this unfunny caption. Sue us.

  

  Half of us wanted to go with Robert Patrick of Terminator 2 fame here, but in the end the awesomeness of that concept pales in comparison to the awesomeness of seeing that douchebag from Twilight get his face punched in.

  

  Rufus entered the fray to challenge Ken for the spot of #1 fighter in America. Larry The Cable Guy entered our mind’s toilets to challenge legitimately funny comedy albums for the #1 comedy album in America. Larry succeeded. Somebody pray for us all.

  

  Ryu is an OG who doesn’t take shit from anyone and usually finds himself surrounded by idiots with exponentially less talent. Sounds like Ari Gold to us. We’d at least get a bunch of angry, sarcastic quips when Ken tries to rob Ryu’s wardrobe for the 22nd year in a row.

  

  Bruce and Seth share something in common: They both die hard. Fighting Seth is like challenging God to a fist fight, which is equally as difficult as knowing Ashton Kutcher banged your ex-wife.

  

  After 5 seasons of the brilliantly but overly contrived Lost, Sawyer needs a vacation away from pseudo-intellectualism. How about a quick stint in a dumb-as-sand movie plot where he gets to hide his association behind a goalie mask? Done and done.

  

  Let’s be real here: Fei Long tries too hard. You’re not Bruce Lee, homie, you’re practically a walking self parody. Former Mad TV allumni Bobby Lee would bring some depth to your character. Humor and charisma can stretch far beyond ink brushed muscles. We’re living proof.

  

  I’m a Mac! Nah, you’re a little bitch.

  

  Sagat has a grudge against Ryu for dethroning him as a world champion fighter and giving him a pussy-ass scar that looks like someone ran over his chest with a bicycle. Jason Statham makes a living playing an unscarred tough guy who bathes in motor oil, drives fast cars, kicks people’s face, bangs all manner of delish vagina, and has a grudge against making a good sequel to The
  

  

  If anyone can play an Italian fortune teller whose primary attack style is whipping a wet towel, it’s Cate Blanchett. She already played a psychic in The Gift, plus the official sport of her home country of Australia is towel whipping.

  

  Old? Check. Angry? Yup, that too. Awkward, ugly thing prominently displayed on forehead? Without a fuckin’ doubt.

  

  Kirsten Dunst would be a great El Fuerte because the Mexican wrestling mask would hide her face and…OH GOD, HER SNAGGLETEETH GNAWED THROUGH IT! RUN MOTHERFUCKER RUN!

  

  Kristin Kreuk is fly and all, but she’s missing Chun-Li’s best features: A big fat ass and thick, thunderous stems. Vida’s got that on lock, no problemo.

  

  Lost, Fringe, The Wire, Oz - everything this lanky and mysterious creeper does is gold. This movie can’t possibly not benefit from his involvement. Plus we just want to see his solemn stares suddenly break into firey, levitating dance routines.

  

  Bulky gingers who love to rubber band their hair and get publicly knocked around by anyone with a brain? Prop comedy and screen-blackening 15 hit uber-death combos are basically one and the same as far as we’re concerned. Easy enough.

  

  Balrog needs to lighten up and Keenan Thompson needs to star in some more serious roles so this works out for all parties involved. Plus after casting Carrot Top back there we’re gonna need all the legitimately comedic help we can get to bring some balance back to this thing.

  

  True story: Two staff members were in the same absolutely dreadful Friday morning Ethics class in college together in NYC. On the walk to class, amidst the bombast of commuters, pollution, miserable weather and hangovers, there was a beacon of hope: A 40 foot tall ad featuring Amanda Bynes. This proves that she can make anything better, even a movie about Street Fighter IV.

  

  No one plays a cantankerous old man like Tommy Lee. The guy literally cannot unsquint his eyes - a perfect choice for this Chinese kung-fu master.

  

  “The name is Abel…oh shit, I forgot the rest of my name!” The new 007 may not pack Connery’s charisma, but playing a wandering ex-military amnesiac is right up his alley.

  

  Dan was allegedly created as a joke character to poke fun at SNK. Ben Affleck is a joke actor who owes his career to Matt Damon. Logically, Street Fighter 5 will star joke character Matt Damon to poke fun at Matt Damon.

  

  We’re not even gonna pretend like there’s any logical reasoning behind this. Neither should you.

  

  Former WWF superstar Yokuzuna has been dead for years, leaving this role vacant. Until his ghost returns to haunt the post Sumo fighting circuit, MMA fighter Mark Hunt is the next best choice.

  

  Bison isn’t Hispanic, lacks facial hair, and has no crazy tattoos covering his chest, but Danny Trejo is so bad ass that he can get away with all of that to play Street Fighter IV’s chief bad guy. Why? Because he’s a Mexican, not a Mexican’t. One stipulation, though: Bison gets to wield a Machete.

  

  Owen tops the definitive street fighting competition and he might cheer up a bit. He loses and maybe his mangled nose will get kicked back in to shape. It’s win/win for the guy.

  Have you seen the new Street Fighter movie? What about the game, have you played Street Fighter IV?

  This is a guest blog from the-minusworld.com.  For more video game parody and humor, check out their site at the-minusworld.com

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