Tuesday, 10 March 2009

• Criss Angel Has Ruined Magic

   
  

  Despite what anyone says, magic kicks ass. Magicians don't. One man ruined it for everybody. 
  

  I was at the movies last weekend and I caught a glimpse of the Criss Angel movie that's coming out this summer. It's not on YouTube yet, so let me try and describe what I saw.
  

  The trailer starts out with that voice over dude that has that low voice only dogs can hear:
  

  "In a world... A world better than all other worlds... Criss Angel is your god."
  

  The audience is then told that Criss' show gains so much success that he decides to build his own city, calling it Criss Angeles.  Here, in The City of [Criss] Angels, no one is allowed to practice magic but Criss.
  

  All citizens must contain no more than five teeth and possess at least three tattered NASCAR jackets. 

  The next scene is a town meeting where Criss decides to rename himself Jesus Criss. 

  "But what about your followers, my lord?" asks one of the citizens. "We need order in such turbulent times!"

  Criss smiles at the man and announces that he will build a statue modeled after this best, most loyal fan.
  

  
  "My followers," Criss begins, "Behind this curtain, is the man who stands above many as my inspiration for this statue. He has supported me for years, and will no doubt support the livelihood of this city. Prayers be to me."
  

  
  "Prayers be to Criss." The citizens reply.
  

  
  The magician then reaches behind him to pull back the curtain, revealing his biggest fan, the man that will be immortalized in statue. There is a low rumble in the crowd, a calm cull of anticipation. 
  

  
  The curtain falls and Criss Angel walks out.
  

  The next scene shows his fans embracing the statue Criss sculpts of himself:

  
  

  While watching this trailer, I got a feeling in my stomach and it wasn't the cheese toquitos I just had.
  

  I pulled out the psychology textbook I keep under my bed for fun reading, and found that according to Freud, Criss Angel is The Chosen One, the man born with no Id or Superego.

  And then it hit me. CRISS ANGEL LOVES CRISS ANGEL. This realization rattled my very foundation of thinking.
  

  Up until this point, between the way Criss talks about how he became famous, the celebrities he knows, his attempts at music through sucking Godsmack's balls, his jacket but no shirt so we can see his six pack, the way he chooses to perform 98% of his acts on women, and this pose he does --

  
  

  I always pinned him as a man of modesty. 

  All in all, Criss Angel will eventually learn to do something extremely cool like teleportation.  Let's just pray to Christ, I mean Criss, that he teleports somewhere nice. Like Fallujah.
  

  Do you think Criss Angel has ruined magic?
  

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