Saturday, 07 March 2009

• Why Marketing is a Gigantic Pile of Dung

   

  There's some idiot, somewhere in the world, drinking liquified gold out of a diamond coated woolly mammoth tusk because he thought of using a gecko to advertise a company called "Geico."
  

  How did you come up with that connection!? 
  

  Seriously people, stop studying things that don't require studying. Majoring in business will not make you more money, but reading Mancouch will triple your income.
  

  On a sidenote, I would like to state that wearing any of the fine products from AXE deodorants will have women humping your leg before you're done spraying. AXE: How dirty boys get clean!

  If you still don't think marketing is a gigantic pile of dung, these two commercials will undoubtedly change your mind.

  First off, Honda has a commercial advertising their new van with cartoon drawings and metal music playing in the back. 
  

  In a charitable mood, I decided to write a new commercial for Honda that properly incorporates metal, moms, and cartoons.
  

  
  

  Scene 1: A mom is driving in her new Honda van with her beautiful newborn baby sitting in the seat next to her.
  

  She looks over and smiles, the baby giggles the cutest giggle to ever be giggled. A ladybug floats through the open window and lands on the baby's squishy cheek.
  

  A heavily distorted power chord is strummed.

  The mom grips the steering wheel and her eyes glow red, a piercing glow outlined in fire.  She starts convulsing as three harmonizing guitar solo's shred away. 
  

  The van makes a quick turn onto the local park grounds.  The double bass drums are pumping and the mom runs over a bunch of kids playing soccer. The mom then howls and eats the baby.
  

  Scene fades to black, and the word "Honda" appears in pastel cartoon letters, followed by a baby's giggle.   

  Secondly, we have the Sam Adam's commercial, in which the brewers explain to us the concept of "hops" and how they put more in their beers than anyone else. 
  

  Then, some pompous ass likens Sam Adams to a fine wine, saying a good beer can accompany a fancy meal. 
  

  Who drinks beer at a nice meal? You either drink martinis or wine, or you don’t take your lady to a fancy place like The Olive Garden in the first place. 
  

  Back to my point. I decided to write a new commercial for Sam Adams that incorporates the more obvious purpose of beer.
  

  
  

  Scene 1: It's a Friday night and College Dude is in his dorm room, ironing his pink and purple striped shirt while producing techno beats on his computer. 
  

  He carefully spikes his hair and sits down for a game of Mario Kart with his incredibly awesome guitarist roommate.
  

  College Dude wins every match on Battle Mode and starts drinking some beers. He then leaves the room to urinate. 

  Guitarist Roommate is pissed about losing at Mario Kart (to Princess Peach, nonetheless), so he empties College Dude's beer bottles, fills them with Sam Adams, and changes his profile on AIM to include a homosexual confession.

  
  Scene 2: College Dude is at the bar, surrounded by his "boys." Through the cloud of cologne, we see dozens of amazingly attractive girls.
  

  It looks like a Girls Gone Wild shoot and College Dude is loving every second of it. He wraps his arm around two of the girls and they walk out of the bar.

  Scene 3: College Dude opens the door back at the dorm room to find Guitarist Roommate sleeping. 
  

  This is his signal to get started. College Dude escorts both of his beautiful babes into the room and they lay down on his bed. 

  The camera zooms in to reveal College Dude's smile, the face of pure excitement.

  The camera zooms in to Guitarist Roommate's face under the covers.  He's making the same smile only slightly happier.

  The camera zooms back out to the action, revealing College Dude with The Beast, an asteroid of a woman who enjoys long walks on the beach before returning to orbit around Jupiter.

  Guitarist Roommate turns on the lights and opens the door to reveal all of College Dude's friends standing in the hallway, most of them taking pictures with their cell phones.
  

  Everyone is laughing and having a merry time, including College Dude, who is too drunk to feel the burn.
  

  Guitarist Roommate falls back asleep, knowing that the next morning will be better than waking up on Christmas.

  The screen turns black and a voice says the following: "Sam Adams. So many hops, it turns beast to beauty."
  

  Have you seen any dumb TV commercials lately? Could you make it better?

  mancouch.com
  

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