Friday, 06 March 2009

• Snuggie: Society's true Enemy

  
  

  
  Lately, I have seen an awfully large amount of commercials for a product that could have only been created by the syphilitic demon spawn of a giraffe, and a member of The Polyphonic Spree cult. 
  
  The product is called the Snuggie.
  
  For those of you not in the know, the Snuggie is a crime against humanity that markets itself as a blanket with sleeves.
  
  Now, as a rational person, you may be asking yourself, "A blanket with sleeves? Why would I ever want or need a blanket with sleeves?" The answer is that you wouldn't.
  Except, perhaps, to find the creator so you could bludgeon them appropriately for unleashing such a monstrosity upon the world. Or maybe to travel back in time to try him at Nuremberg. Either or, really.
  
  This so-called "product" was supposedly created to save people the trouble of having to slightly fold the blanket on top of them in order to reach for something.
  
  You can even wear it outside, the makers claim (if you see someone wearing something that can so accurately be described as the taint of modern humanity, in public of all places, you have an obligation to your species to ridicule them until the rat-anus of a garment is removed).
  
  At first I laughed this off. "Hilarious!" I thought, "It's just so ridiculous" and, "Could you imagine people walking around looking like they belong in a loony bin, a cult, or a monastery (is there really a difference?)? I would laugh so hard."
  
  I was so innocent then.
  
  But things took a disastrous turn. I started seeing commercials for this thing more and more. It started popping up on daytime talk shows, respectable people began to Twitter about purchasing one, and I even saw a post online for an all-Snuggie bar crawl. What in God's name went wrong with society?
  
  Look, I understand we're in a recession, but that's no reason to go mad. This is something that speaks to an absurdity, a laziness, and an excess that I can't even imagine without vomiting in my mouth a little bit.
  
  This thing is pure evil. It's like Crocs (I'm coming for you next) on steroids.
  
  I know this is the era of consumption, conformity, and complacency, but where does it end? Surely, I thought, it ends before the Snuggie. It has to end before the Snuggie. This is not a product that you get to like, even ironically.
  
  I'm watching you closely, hipsters. If I see one goddamn Snuggie on one of you, I will bring down the hammer. I will make every single indie band famous and I will make jeans available to you only in relaxed fit.
  
  I'm not kidding.
  
  Is there a product out there tormenting society more than the Snuggie? What product do you think is rotting society from the inside?
  
  mancouch.com
  

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