Monday, 02 March 2009

• Top 5 Reasons Why Being a Dude Hasn't Changed Since Eve Made Us Eat That Apple

  
  

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  1) Subtlety? F THAT.

  Last week, I was waiting for my train so I could go home and hibernate.  I sat down and leaned against a pillar, watching the mutant circus that is Penn Station. 
  

  A woman wearing clothes tighter than spandex, walks in front me.
  

  She stands and stares at the large time schedule like the rest of us drones.  She sways her hips and flicks her hair (obviously in hopes that she will impress me and that I won't portray her as a sl*t in my latest post).

  I turn around to see that 98.5% of the dudes are staring at her ass. These guys aren't just staring at her ass; they're trying to bite into it with their eyes.  The woman turned and they kept staring.  A few of the guys started joking back and forth about it.   

  So anyway, these two start talking in Spanish and from the little I understood, they were talking about the woman's breats.  Like Adam, I blame the woman for flicking her hair. 

  2) Tampons

  You might be wondering why the most feminine thing to ever exist is number two on my list. Before you suspect that I'm going all feminist on you (and I understand that the facial hair would make you think so), let me explain:

  No guy on the planet knows any more than any other guy on the planet about tampons.  Since they were invented by Thomas Edison in 1420, guys have been twitching at their mere mention.  When I find myself accidentally going down the feminine products aisle, I sprint out of there like it's the hundred yard dash - in one minute flat.  

  Ladies: when you mention them, we aren't playing dumb. We just are.    

  Here is what I know about them:

  a)  They come in forty five different models, including several factory-installed options.

  b) CARDBOARD? WTF.

  c) They give them wings by pouring Red Bull on top.

  3) "That's What She Said"

  Four years ago, I attended an Honors College class on religion (easily remembered since it only happened once).  Needless to say, this makes me a religion-tologist.

  So I was playing Snake on my old-school Nokia, listening to the guido next to me flirt with some idiot blonde girl (making me wonder exactly how "Honors" this really is), when the teacher started talking about Adam and Eve.  From what I remember of the story, there was a garden with plants and shit.  Adam and his girlfriend, Eve, were hiking there, when they saw a snake.  Eve goes "damn, thats a huge snake!" to which Adam replies "that's what she said."

  And thus the saying was born and history was forever altered.    

  4)   Idiocy Accepted At All Major Locations

  One day this week, I walked into a convenience store to buy some energy food .  I got some orange juice and a banana and went to check out.  This was the scene at the counter:

  Asian Clerk 1: This make you strong! (flexes)

  Homeless Dude 1: For reals? How long does it last?

  Asian Clerk 1: (holds up the Super Stamina pack of pills) All night!

  Homeless Dude 1: It's ten dollars man! I don't got ten dollars!

  (Homeless Man 1 leaves scene, stage left)

  (Tired, Hungry Writer 1 enters scene, stage right)

  Asian Clerk 1: You want pills? They make you strong all night!

  Yes, that's exactly what I was looking for - a four hour boner before 5 in the morning, as if I need less blood in my upper brain.

  I'd also like to point out the homeless guy considering Super Stamina pills.  It's easy when the example is the punchline.

  5) Tomfoolery

  Although this may sound like a similar section to the Idiocy one, it has one major difference - intended stupidity.  Yes, that's correct; since the beginning of time, we have found the need to TRY to be dumb asses.  Follow me as we explore this fascinating find!

  During the summer, my brother, my friend Wesley, and I had had enough videogames and enough awesomeness.  How could we make things even better? We played NutBall.  The rules were as follows:

  Rule 1) Have nuts

  Rule 2) Throw ball at Wesley's nuts

  We were entertained this way for forty five minutes.  For free. Genius.

  Two billion years ago, cavemen used to play such games.  They used spears.

  Tomfoolery is easiest found in dorming situations.  Guys will draw penises on each other's faces when they pass out drunk.  They will tape their friend's cell phones to their backs, tape their friends to the bed, and put gay porn on their computer (after all, what could be manlier than googling "naked gay sex"?).   

  Bottom line: Being a dude is awesome and I highly recommend it.
  

  Have men changed over the years? How would you define "being a dude"?

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