Saturday, 21 February 2009

• Guide to Alcohol: 101

   

  Since we were young, we have been programmed to believe that it is macho for a man to be able to hold his liquor.
  

  We see our dads and uncles egging each other on to drink during family gatherings and they seem to be having the best time in the world.

  In action movies, after the hero comes out of a knife fight, he pops open a bottle of whiskey, douses his wounds with it, and then takes a swig. How badass is that?
  

  And what’s cooler than Frank Sinatra cradling his glass of booze and ice? Hell, even James Bond has his martini shaken and not stirred.

  Unisex Beginner's Class

  These drinks are very light in alcoholic taste which make them perfect for beginners. Also, these are understood gender-neutral drinks, so it doesn’t matter if you’re a noob guy or girl.

  Tom Collins: Tastes like Sprite.

  Gin and Tonic: Tastes like seltzer water.

  Redbull Vodka: Tastes like Red Bull.
  

  Girl Drinks

  Men, you need to avoid these at all costs.

  Margaritas: Reserved for middle-aged women on Ladies’ Night Out.

  Cosmopolitans: Pretty much cranberry juice.

  Apple-tinis: I’ve actually never tasted one, but it’s strictly for chicks.

  Club Drinks

  These drinks are very expensive, so it’s important to drink economically. You need to find the drinks that have high enough alcohol content to get you buzzed, but not so much that it knocks you out. You definitely want to get the best bang for your buck.

  Long Island Iced Tea: If you get this, then you mean business. This is definitely not for beginners, but it is a good way to get a good initial buzz.

  Jack and Coke: A club standard because it’s fast, easy, gets the job done, and doesn’t taste like shit (the way I like my women).

  Tequila shots: You can only take these in a group of at least 5. Anything less and you look like losers. If you don’t have a group of 5, then conscript some people until you do. I guarantee you will make friends that night.

  Casual/Dive Bar Drinks

  If you like beer, this is the place to go. It’s loud, messy, and frat-like. Here it’s acceptable to drop shot glasses with alcohol into your mug of beer and down it in one swallow (you will know because it will have “bomb” at the end of it).

  Beer: Only in a dive bar can you order this without looking cheap and low-class.

  Jager Bombs: You drop a shot of jagermeister into a glass of Red Bull and suck it down in one gulp. It tastes kind of like Pepto Bismol.

  Irish Car Bombs: It’s kind of like the Jager bomb, except it tastes like coffee and if you don’t drink it fast enough, it turns into pudding.

  Upscale Bars/Lounge Drinks

  These places aren’t exactly the best places for beginners. Start out with experienced friends and ease your way into it. The crowd is here more pretentious and mannered than the dive bar mob. You must drink accordingly.

  Manhattan: Tastes like battery acid, but it’s Frank Sinatra’s signature drink, and my personal favorite.

  Liquid Cocaine: The upscale version of a tequila shot.

  Martinis: Old school drink. Just try not to look like a douche when you order it.

  Hardcore Drinks

  Strictly for the birthday person, or if your friend is getting shipped to Iraq. Even pros avoid these nasties. You don’t need to know what’s in these babies. All you need to know is that you will get smashed like a brick, do crazy things, won’t remember any of it, and wake up wishing you were dead (you’ll probably wake up in a garage or someone’s backyard, too).

  Gorilla Fart

  4 Horsemen

  6 Wisemen

  This is just a basic list of alcohol. I encourage you all to be adventurous and try new things.

  What’s your drink of choice? Do you all have anything else to add to this list?

  mancouch.com
  

  • 1:11 PM
  • 2610 Views
  • 42 eProps
  • 23 Comments