Number 10: The Germaphobe - these are the guys that apply
Purell to their hands before entering the bathroom, they then proceed directly to the urinal, taking extra care not to touch anything. I think if they could, they would "will" their fly open and withdraw their jimmy out with mind-powers rather than touch it with their bare hands.
They will perform a complete medical washing from at least the elbows down, will use a paper towel to open the doors and will apply more Purell upon exiting the bathroom.
Number 9: The Efficiency Expert - This is the guy who will start unbuttoning pants and unzipping his fly before he is even at the urinal. At best he will give one quick jerk the second the urine stream is finished and then will button and zip back up as he is walking to the sink. He doesn't care if anyone sees his jimmy and he occasionally will have a small urine stain on the front of his trousers.
Number 8: The Afraid Of Gay Guy - This is the guy who, even if his bladder is about to explode, will follow the strict code of having at least 1 empty urinal between him and any other urinator. If he can't do that he will leave and urinating his pants will be well worth not having to stand so close to another man with his jimmy out.
If he can secure a urinal with adequate buffer space, if possible he will point away from any other urinator so as to minimize even further, the possibility that the other guy will look at his jimmy.
Number 7: The Prankster - This is the guy likes to have a little fun with his fellow urinators.
Number 6: The Exhibitionist - This is the guy who can make any urinator stop in his tracks and take a good hard look at him, because his liquid comes out at the ferocious rate of a fire-hose and it just keeps coming out for minutes and minutes. This urinator will always use the urinal that has water in the bottom of it for maximum effect. I do hope the grapefruit-sized prostate this guy has is worth all the attention he gets in the bathroom.
Number 5: The Fat Guy With The Little Jimmy - You can always tell if a fat guy has a little jimmy because he's the one that is hunched over when he's urinating. See his arms have to reach around his enormous belly and then have further to reach because his jimmy is so little. This is the guy who normally leaves a big pool of urine on the floor in front of a urinal, because he can barely reach his jimmy let alone aim it.
I'll pause here to explain one other observation. Men urinate on the floor; a lot. One way you can tell is look at the carpet outside a men's room verses the carpet outside a women's room.
The men's room carpet looks more warn and faded. This is because of the high urine content in it that has been tracked onto that carpet on the bottom of their shoes. Think about that next time you're picking up your husband's shoes or your little kids are playing with dad's shoes. But anyway...
Number 4: The Concentrator - Either because he's exhausted, hung-over or has a urinary tract infection this guy has to focus just a little more when he urinates. He is the guy who is steadying himself with a hand firmly pressed against the wall above the urinal while his other hand is controlling his jimmy. Being a Fat Guy With Little Jimmu I have found that this is the best technique to avoid the pitfalls of number 5 above.
Number 3: The Maestro - This is the guy who likes to get all of his business done at the urinal. If he needs to he will spit in the urinal as he approaches it, as well as several times throughout his urination, he will also pass gas, pick his nose, scratch his ass and anything else that can be done while using the bathroom. It has the effect of him looking like a grand master orchestra conductor or a meth addict depending on how he's dressed.
Number 2: The Beta-Male Urinator - This is the guy who once his jimmy is out will place his free hand on his waist, proud of his above average sized jimmy, his ease at getting his jimmy free of his trousers and secure in his manhood, he stands proudly at the urinal with eyes forward, steadfast and secure yet still conscientious enough to know that sometimes, accidents happen so he keeps one hand firmly on his jimmy, just in case.
Number 1: The Alpha-Male Urinator - This is the guy who once his jimmy is out will place both of his hands on his waist and looks forward yet slightly upward as if gazing on the promising future that stands before him. Unlike the inferior Beta-Male Urinator this man has no fear when it comes to urinating because accidents do not happen, at least not to someone like him.
This is the man who can urinate at any urinal for any amount of time with whatever intensity he chooses without any fear of germs or urinating on the floor. He is above all such things. This is a man in complete control of his destiny.
I hate this man most of all. This is the man that I want to walk up behind and kick him in the jimmy as hard as I can. I've seen several guys urinate like this. They were the star quarterback in High School. They are the ones at age 40 still have all their hair and only a touch of gray that makes them look more regal. They are the ones with the huge homes and no mortgage, the expensive German automobiles with no payments or leases. The hot wives and mistresses with no "Honey-do" lists.
What kind of urinator are you? Have you ever noticed one of these guys urinating next to you?
Comments (113)
i'm gonna say i'm the homophobe urinator, not because i care that another guy will see my dong, it's that i'm so pee-shy it's not even funny. but i'm getting better! i actually used to not be able to use a urinal at all but now i can use one if there are like 100 urinals and the only other people are at the other end. also, the ones with walls are sweet. if they're really tall, a guy can pee right next to me and i won't care.
Kind of reminds me of "U is for Urinal Etiquette" from the Alphabet of Manliness.
I'm not a male, but I'd have to pick number 6 or 7.
If I had junk, I would be a prankster. But I'd also have to make sure everyone watched me go. Just for laughs.
definitly a 7
I'm alpha, beta, or sometimes maestro. Also half efficiency I'll be unzipping (or unbuttoning, depending on the jeans) on the way, but I make sure to get a few good shakes in, then finish zipping/buttoning up on the way out.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. I'm probably number 2.
L-O-L
I sit down to pee. But... I'm a girl.
i'm the maestro i guess
I like to rip a fart while I'm at the whiz machine and act very nonchalant about it. Hm... I guess I'm all of the above.
Interesting post
i've seen some 6's 8's and 9's around my way. i''m in between 2 and 3
I don't care what kind of urinators they all are as long as they wash their hands after using the urinals!
Damn that was awesome.
the alpha-male urinator cracked me up.
The Fat Guy with a Little Weiner made me laugh out loud--and so did #3, #2, and #1. Never have I felt so relieved to be female! lol
the observation in 5 is gross. i'll never look at mens shoes the same where ever i am.
definitely 9 and 10
I consider myself a cross between a number 6 and a number 2. One hand on the waist, one to aim, and BOOM, FLASH FLOOD.
I'm half efficient and half beta male.lol
I'm either #1 or #2, depending on my ego.
I'm the kind of urinator that forces his pee out so quickly that he suddenly realizes that he also has to take a shit.
How come I never thought of leaving one urinal in between before. Good tip...thank you!!
My friend washes his hands before he goes to the urinal. He said because he doesn't want to get dirt on his stroodle.
I try to use the stalls as much as possible, because I don't want someone creeping behind me & trying to jack me.
Or buttjack me.