Saturday, 31 January 2009

• How The Cast Of The New Street Fighter Movie Should Look

  
  
  

  FGCW (Figachewy) News...
  
  Honolulu, Hawaii (FGCW News) -- The latest addition to the legendary Street Fighter franchise is gaining much media buzz as "Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li" is scheduled to be released on February 27, 2009.
  
  The movie follows Chun-Li, the female Chinese martial artist from the popular video game as she exacts vengeance upon the murderer of her father. The movie not only boasts a lavish $50 million budget, but also a noteworthy celebrity cast including:
  

  • Kristin Kreuk as Chun-Li
  • Michael Clark Duncan as Balrog
  • Neal McDonough as M. Bison
  • and that albino guy from the Black Eyed Peas as Vega

  Little is known, however, that the entire Street Fighter II character list was actually cast for the movie. Due to time constraints, the rest of the characters were edited out of the movie. Take an insider peek at who got cut, as well as the original wanted ads for the roles as well:
  
  Ryu played by Ken Watanabe (actor)
  
  

   
  
  

  Wanted: Looking for Japanese actor. A little Japanese speaking ability is preferred, namely being able to pronounce "tatsumaki senpu kyaku."
  Comment: He played the honorable-warrior type in "The Last Samurai" to perfection. He's an obvious choice for Ryu, the lead role in the Street Fighter series.
  
  E. Honda played by Fat Bastard (Austin Powers character)
  
  

      

  Wanted: Morbidly obese actor needed for a sumo wrestler role. Bitch tits are a plus.
  
  He's already shown the world how well he masquerades in the Austin Powers' movies. Having him play this role should be easier than Amy Winehouse finding heroin in an empty room.
  
  It was suggested by Mike Myers that for the movie, E. Honda should simply be renamed, "Japanese Faht Bahstard."
  
  
  Blanka played by Marshawn Lynch (NFL player)
  
  

   
  

  Wanted: Fugly complexion needed. Must possess chest hair. Ability to emit electricity preferred.
  
  We were surprised to see an athlete appearing in the film, but with a nickname like, "Beast Mode," was it ever a surprise? This runningback actually needed little to no makeup to look the part.
  
  Rumor has it he has a follow-up role to play the body double for the GEICO caveman.
  
  
  T. Hawk played by Danny Trejo (actor)
  
  

   
  

  Wanted: Seeking an intimidating actor of Central American descent. Quetzalcoatl worshippers are welcome.
  
  His role as the "badass esé" was cemented in Desperado, where he brandished a chest tattoo and used throwing knives as his weapon of choice. Our newsman interviewed him later and reported that Trejo "smelled of Tequila and death." 
  
  
  Zangief played by Nathan Jones (actor, 6'11" 350 lb movie prop)
  
  

   
  

  Wanted: Seeking a strong and athletic actor. Must be able to lift 500 lbs. Ability to spin endlessly and not feel dizzy is a must.
  

  
  He is a heavily type-casted actor, but has had shown some immaculate acting, namely in "Troy," where he was pwned by Brad Pitt/Achilles in rapturous fashion. It is worth noting that he was nominated recently at the Oscars for "Best On-Screen Thug."
   
  
  Cammy played by Kate Beckinsale (actress)
  
  

       
  

  Wanted: Looking for an actress who can pronounce "bloody" as "bluh-ey."
  
  I think I came in my pants just now.
  
  Ken played by Cam Gigandet (actor)
  
  

     
  

  Wanted: We need a cocky sonofabitch, preferably American.
  
  He proved that he is the douchebag that you don't want to mess with in "Never Back Down." Cam played another role in the vampire love movie, "Twilight," as well. The latter was graciously descibed  by acclaimed movie critic, Roger Ebert, as "sucks balls."
  
  Guile played by Larry the Cable Guy (Certified Redneck)
  
  

   
  

  Wanted: Looking for an American who enjoys Ford pickup trucks, Budweiser, wife-beaters and has a general dislike of immigrants.
  
  Guile is the patriotic, true-blue American, and fans voiced their opinions about wanting to see an actual country boy play him (opposed to the last movie, where the role was outsourced to Jean Claude Van Assbrownie).
  
  Said the director himself, "Larry's fat-ass might create problems in performing Guile's signature flash-kick, so we were contemplating just givinig him a sawed-off shotgun instead." Get 'er done, Guile. For America's sake, we implore you to get 'er done.
  
  Sagat played by Bill Belichick (NFL coach)
  
  

   
  

  Wanted: We are seeking an actor who excels in portraying the emotions of grouchiness and apathy. Must enjoy winning, though being a good sport upon losing is not required.
  
  Great coach, but a sore loser. This was apparent after a game-winning drive never materialized in last year's Superbowl and Bill "please kiss my boo-boo" Belichick did a 4.2 second 40-yard dash to the locker room before the game was even over.
  
  Coach Belichick was apparently seen outside a New York nightclub last Friday giving "noogies" to New York quarterback, Eli Manning.
  
  Dhalsim played by Kal Penn (actor)
  

    

  Wanted: Actor of Indian ethnic background needed. Must be flexible, time-wise and limb-wise. Dot on forehead welcome.
  
  Also known as Kumar, the lecherous pot-smoking degenerate from the Harold and Kumar series, this actor could have actually provided some much-needed comic relief to the otherwise melodramatic storyline.
  
  We took a peek at the original script and found one of the more intense of his lines: "Hey Bison, check it out, my johnson totally looks bigger in these new yoga shorts."
  
  Fei Long played by Tony Jaa (martial artist)
  

  
  

  Wanted: 你好吗？我很喜欢牛奶。喝酒吧。(we at FGCW concluded it was probably some Korean gibberish).
  
  Tony Jaa, star of the martial arts hit, "The Protector," was chosen for the role over Jackie Chan. Tony is a small actor playing small roles, but his martial arts' agility is years beyond Uncle Jackie.
  
  The casting director mentioned to us that he thought Jackie Chan was just too nice.
  
  DeeJay played by Lil' Jon (music producer, professional skeeter)
  
  

   
  

  Wanted: Looking for a male in his 20s who is tall, loves music, and enjoys long brawls on the beach.
  
  This was actually a perfect fit, as both the character DeeJay and Lil' Jon excel in poised one-word phrases.
  
  We asked Jon if he thought that his being a part of the movie symbolized the breaking of racial barriers in Hollywood. We later asked how he felt about the inauguration of America's first black president and how much of a monumental moment it was.
  
  To both inquiries, he promptly responded, "OKAAAAAYY!"
  
  Is this list complete or do you have any last minute replacements?
  
  mancouch
  

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