Tuesday, 06 January 2009

• What Every Woman Should Know About Guys

  Guest blog by ChrisRusso
  

  
  

  
  My first reaction is of slight apprehension.  After all, I got in a little trouble last time I tried to explore the absurdities of male/female interaction.  But I should be on safer ground with this one, right? 
  
  I mean, I'm explaining my own gender here--and who is more qualified to talk on guys than, well, a guy?

  (All the same--I should preface this post with the statement that I will be dealing with generalities, stereotypes and archetypes of the genders.  So, don't bother commenting with [whine]  "What you posted doesn't apply to me!" [whine]  It very well may not.  It might not apply to me either, so don't get your knickers in a bunch.)
  

   I.  Explaining Mens' Actions

  Speaking as someone who has been an amateur relationship counselor since the 10th grade (*chuckle*), this is the one I hear most from girls.  "He's gone and done [Action X], and it makes no sense.  Why has he done [Action X]?  What does it mean?  How does this affect me?"

  I have seen girlfriends, friends and sisters driven to absolute confusion over things a guy has done or said, trying to figure out what he meant by it, or what his motivations were.  Oftentimes, the guy doesn't have a clue that he's causing so much consternation.

  So ladies, pay attention.  If you haven't figured it out yourself by now, I'm going to save you a lot of headache.

  #1 -- Guys don't stand up to over analysis.

  The simple truth is, your beloved males are very simple creatures.  Their motivations are usually the same motivations as the id --that is (when boiled down), desire, fear, and inertia.  If they want something, they'll work toward it, and if they don't really want it, they won't bother.  If they avoid something, chances are that in one respect or another they're afraid of it.  It's really as simple as that.

  Of course, you'll object--"But I've seen guys act much more complicated than that!"  Okay, yes.  A lot of the time a guy will give mixed messages, contradictory signals, that sort of thing.  But you can still boil it down to those three things.  Metaphor time.

  If you take a rat and put it in a box with some cheese, it's going to go eat the cheese.  If you take a rat and put it in a box with an electrified object, after a few shocks it's going to avoid that object.  Now, say you put it in a box with electrified cheese?  It's simultaneously the object of pain (fear reaction) and the object of hunger (desire reaction).  In the end whichever drive is stronger will determine the rat's reaction.

  Now take that rat that's been in a box with electrified cheese and give it some regular cheese.  What you're going to see are mixed signals--it's afraid to nibble on the cheese, but it really wants to.

  This is usually the same reason that men give mixed signals.  They want something, but at the same time they're afraid it will hurt them.

  (Men, calm down.  This is not to say that men are rats.)

  (Or that women are cheese.)

  (Or... gah!)

  Women have the same basic id drives as men do, but they deal with them in a much different manner.  Not being a woman, I'm not really qualified to describe exactly how they deal with their desires and fears--but I can say that from a male perspective it seems more complex.

  What essentially happens is that men expect women to react in the male way, and women expect men to react in the female way.  And when it doesn't happen, both sides get very puzzled.

  II.  Communication.

  When I worked as a CVS photo lab tech, years ago, one of my co-workers had  major crush on me.

  As I heard it later, she dropped hints everywhere she could think of.  She had me drive her home on rainy nights (I was just being nice).  She'd invite me to parties (I thought she was just being nice).  She'd time her breaks to co-incide with mine (I thought it was coincidence, the few times I noticed).

  Finally she decided that I was ignoring her, got ticked, and started dating someone else.  I found out about the whole thing from a mutual friend a year later.

  #2 --  Guys don't do subtle.

  Ladies, if you want to let a guy know something, you've either got to be very obvious, or just outright tell him.  Guys--all guys--have a tendency toward thick-headedness.  Either that or girls have a tendency toward over subtlety.  Perhaps both.

  The fact remains: hints that a girl will get will pass by a guy unnoticed.

  Worse things happen when guys are aware of their obliviousness, and try to compensate.  They overcompensate and begin to see every action or word as meaningful.  Unlike girls, however, guys have no sense for that sort of thing, and get it all wrong.  I've seen guys think a girl is head-over-heels in love with them because she smiled at them.  I've been one of those guys.

  III.  Listening.

  The book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus did a better job of this than I.  But I'll sum.

  When women have a grievance , and are venting to a friend (or friends), all they usually want is for them to listen.  This means to sit there while they vent, offer gentle support, commiserate, and comfort.

  When a man has a grievance , and is venting to a friend (rarely friends), usually what he wants is advice.  Support is appreciated, but what he expects is for helpful suggestions to be made.

  Wars have started because a man listening to a tearful woman vent began to try and give her tips on what she could do, or how she could avoid that situation next time.

  #3 -- Expect guys to say inadvertently inappropriate things when they're trying to comfort you.

  There are experienced men who have learned to keep their mouths shut and listen.  But even they make slips at times.

  IV.  Macho Appearances

  Socially, guys have been trained to put forward this macho Vin Deisel front.  We're expected to be strong, to take charge, to handle all sorts of crises, to carry the heavy things, to fix the cars...

  For the most part there is this incredible stigma toward a guy crying.  Ever.  (Don't get me wrong.  Some guys do this total Emo-Pants thing, which is just wrong.  But the invulnerable stone-heart exterior isn't right either.)

  Inside, however, there are certain things that the male ego is extremely sensitive about.  I'm not going to list them all, but they center around basics like Ability to Provide, Ability to Protect, and Ability to Perform. 

  #4 -- Even the toughest guy has certain emotional vulnerabilities.

  This one's a trade secret, ladies.  It goes no further than you and me, okay?

  So, if you're having an argument with a guy, and you don't understand why he seems so hurt, you may have inadvertantly hit one of his sore spots.

   V.  Space  (The Final Frontier)

  Most men like their caves.

  Long-time bachelors tend to get protective of their apartments, and the contents thereof.  Married men tend to have one room or space that is all theirs--whether a study, a garage, a workbench, an office, an attic...  something.  And if their wives touch or re-arrainge or clean anything in this space, some men will freak out.

  Some men need occasional space.  A walk by himself, going out with the boys, any activity that his signifigant female is not involved in.  Occasionally the signifigant female will get upset, thinking that he's pushing her away, or that something's wrong.  There is nothing wrong.

  #5  --  Men often need space.  This is normal.

  If it's true that humans are social creatures, for the most part women tend to be more social creatures than men.  It varies from man to man, but some require more "brood time" than others.  This is time for the man to socially and emotionally recharge.  Let him have his alone-time, and when he comes back he'll be a more enjoyable companion than if you made him stay.

   ...

   I think these five are the basics.  At least, I can't think of anything right now.

  Ladies, I hope this has been educational for you, and maybe helped you to solve a few mysteries.  We're really not as complicated as we think we are...

  Guys, do you agree with any of this at all?  Does any of the basics above describe you? Which one? Ladies, does this make some of the things guys do a little more clear?

  
  

  • 10:33 PM
  • 5316 Views
  • 84 eProps
  • 42 Comments