Tuesday, 30 December 2008

• Men's Victoria Secret Survival Guide

  
  

  Okay men.  This one is for you. 
  

  Somewhere down the line, in your relationships with the XX chromosome humans, you will encounter this one infernal, estrogen filled, floral smelling, pink lacey skimpy perfume, girly giggly, paint your toe nails, pillow fighting, boy gossiping, satin push up store called Victoria's Secret. 
  

  It is the all encompassing embodiment of everything that is ever super female.  Rumor has it, one wrong step in the store will shrivel up your balls into raisins and completely zap your Y chromosome as the noxious smells of the store make you fork over your wallet so that your beloved significant other can pay $35 bucks for a dental floss underwear. 
  

  Well, I can tell you...I've been there, lived it, survived it, and conquered....and here's how:
  

  1.  Kill time by playing football with the other guys waiting in front of the store
  Check it...every Victoria Secret has a whole mess of random stranger guys waiting in the front because of the kryptonite like force field preventing them to go in. 
  

  So why waste the time, PLAY FOOTBALL.  Simply grab one of those Victoria Secret makeup bag gift sets and start making pass plays.  Before you know it, you'll be tackling some dude trying to make a rush play into the satin strapless bra section.

  2.  Pretend you're a Velociraptor
  This is just fun anywhere you do it.  Just limply hang your hands towards your chest and then walk around partially crouched through the store and then make it a point to sneak up to your girlfriend using the best dinosaur stealth moves you know. 
  

  Then every time you get near your bra, panty buying customer, let out this huge shriek and then dive at her...feet first.   Pretend like you're eating chunks of her back as you let out a victorious roar.

  3.  Reenact David and Goliath
  Using stretch bras as your slingshots and scrunched up panties as your stones, pretend one of the mannequins is the great warrior Goliath as you try to take it down with your slingshot (bra) and rock (scrunched up undies).  Remember, its best to scream at it every time you're about to shoot.

  4.  Ask a mannequin for their number
  This is your time to practice your pick up skills without getting slapped.  Slyly walk up to a mannequin and dish out your best stuff.  It's best when customers are watching...they will be in awe of your skills.

  5.  Pretend you're a mannequin
  It's time to make a statement of gender equality in the store.   If you notice there is nothing meant for guys be a pioneer...stand in the front window and pretend you're a mannequin.  Let everyone know that its time for equality.  Hear us roar!!!  (works best if you actually wore some of the stuff...but those sizes get really confusing...)

  6.  Rent out lawn chairs
  Go to your local K-Mart or Target (pronounced tar-je) and purchase some lawn chairs.  Then make a nice hefty sum by renting them out at the Victoria's Secret store and calling them "man chairs......$5".   If you want to get really entrepreneurial, sell ESPN magazines as well.

  7.  Slide!
  Use the padded bras as knee pads and just run and slide throughout the store.  raise your arms and scream wee to accentuate the experience.

  8.  Be 'the fly'
  Pick up a black bra...put it over your eyes...and pretend you're the 'fly' played by Jeff Goldblum.  Remember to make sure you pretend your arms and legs are rubbing together.  And when you see crap say "oooooh" and then rub hands together.

  And by the time you do all these things, your woman will be done...and you're on your way to best buy.  *high five*

  VIVA LA Y CHROMOSO....MA.....(whatever that is in spanish).  VIVA!!!

  Been stuck in a Victoria's Secret or another girly shop? How did you get through it?  If you're methods don't work, time to take up these tactics.
  

  
  

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